The "Rules"

Almost every car ride starts the same way at our house. As we are pulling out of the driveway, I always ask, "Now Jacob what are the rules for...?" He's got them down pat. Target? The rules are stay by your mom and dad, and no running. Church? The rules are no running, stand when we stand, and be quiet. A restaurant? The rules are listen to your mom and dad, and no laying on the floor. Yes, you read that right. Our son likes to lay on the floor at restaurants. Gross, I know. We have went over it and over it, and he clearly knows the rules since he can tell them to me, yet every time with out fail as soon as he has finished eating, he slowly starts his descent from the booth to the floor below our table. Talk about stares! When you have this rather tall 6 year old laying on the floor of a restaurant, it does draw some attention. When he was little he would simply lay in the booth, but that no longer provides his long legs room to spread out. We've finally figured out that it happens when his tummy is full and he wants to get comfy. He's such a fast eater that usually we are not even finished with our salads when Jacob starts trying to head to the floor. He's gotten a little better. At least now he doesn't finish each of his meals with "I'm going to throw up!"and one of us rushing to find the restaurant's restroom. That was the trend for a while. It's when we realized the servers were bringing him countless glasses of milk, that we put the kibosh to that. Only water or Sprite for our kid now when eating out!

Most kids with Aspergers like rules, and for the most part Jacob does like them. It gives him some boundaries. And he is sure quick to point out when someone else is breaking the rules! Sure Jacob likes his structure and routine, but when it comes to rules he is all about logic. Once he understand the "why" behind the rule, he is more likely to follow it. There is a lot of explaining at our house. Not that it always makes an impact. He still climbs on the outside banister of our stairs, even though I have explained how unsafe I feel it is. I guess his own reasoning wins out on that one. But when I posted a sign above my bed that said, "No jumping on bed!" after his sister took a tumble, all jumping ceased.

One of my favorite responses from Jacob was when we were getting ready to go to our neighbor's Super Bowl party last year. I said, "Now Jacob, what are the rules for P & T's house?" I was thinking he would respond with something like "play nice" or "no getting upset when it is time to leave." How shocked was I when he said, "No putting boogers on the walls." What!! You do that? Oh the hygiene habits of a then 5 year old!

So he likes his rules, but in his analytical mind only if they make sense to him. Take for instance a few weeks back, we were dropping our son off in our church nursery while my husband and I were to attend a meeting. I work in there, so it was my coworkers watching Jacob. I had talked about the "rules" before we dropped Jacob off, and told him the one very important rule in the nursery is no running. Too many babies, and too many kids, and too many chances for kids to get trampled. Plus one running kid gets everyone fired up. I know that from six years of experience working there. As we were picking him and his sister up after our meeting, I noticed two plastic yellow Little Tyke shopping carts sitting outside the door to the nursery. I knew that meant someone had been running with the carts, and I knew it was Jacob. I walked in the door and asked my coworkers if Jacob had been running with the carts, and sure enough he had. He had made a new friend, and was having a blast! I was told that yes Jacob had been running, and she had to set him in time out. I was mortified and we headed for home. I knew punishing him again was not an option. He had already served his time in the nursery. But when I asked him about the time out later, he held up two fingers and told me "twice". Two times in time out! I was more than mortified!

If you have a child with Aspergers, you already know that consequences and punishments do not work for them. There is no connection for them between the offense and the punishment. They are two complete separate incidents that they view unconnected. Not only that, but a simple 5 minute punishment turns into hours and hours of agony. Trust me. Been there, done that many times. Is it really worth it? We've learned that Jacob responds much better to rewards and positive reinforcement. Sticker charts can do wonders for my child, especially if they happen to have an elephant. We certainly don't let him get away with everything, and there are definitely punishments. I think both my husband and I have lightened up on them somewhat. There were times before where I just couldn't comprehend why he didn't understand what he had done wrong. It drove me crazy! But when your child lacks empathy and can not grasp the concept of cause and effect, it makes sense to me now why Jacob would respond the way he did to punishments. I remember one particular time Jacob had done something naughty and I had had enough. In my not proudest mommy moment, I told him I was taking away his animals, the Wii, and the computer. Thinking I had made a HUGE impact, Jacob looked at me and said, "What about the TV? Did I lose that, too?" hmmm....so much for that punishment being effective.

Punishments and discipline will probably always be a huge obstacle for my husband and me concerning Jacob. Maybe someday we will get it all figured out, and until then we will keep continuing going over "The Rules" each time before we venture out.

Oh...and I'm happy to report my neighbor's walls were booger free.