A little history

I'm not a big fan of cliche quotes, but if I had a nickel for every time someone told me that Jacob was "normal", I would be a millionaire. "He's fine. You're just a first time mom." "He's still little." "My kid does the same thing. No need to worry." I could go on and on.

A mother knows. A mother always knows.

I knew since Jacob was an infant that something wasn't quite right. I tried to tell myself that it was me. I was just nervous. A new mom wanting to do everything right. Wanting to be the best I could be for my little bundle of joy. But the baby cried. He cried a lot! Long hours at night of crying and my husband and I taking turns walking him up and down the hallway. His pediatrician said reflux and colic, and no need to worry. But still, I knew. I couldn't take him for walks around the block in his stroller without him crying. Trips to Walmart were unheard of without a screeching baby. Maybe he just preferred staying home. Home was safe. Home was quiet.

At age one there were more concerns. I vividly remember Jacob crying huge crocodile tears as my family stood around him singing "Happy Birthday". He was terrified from the attention. I kept trying to reassure myself that it was nothing. His pediatrician kept reassuring me, too. Jacob walked and talked early, so why worry. I'm a worrier by nature, so again I bottled up all concerns.

And then the toe walking started.

Again, I expressed concerns to anyone that would listen. Again, he was normal. I scourred every book out there, becoming obsessed with Autism. I remember many late nights when my husband was in bed that I would google "Austism" going over list after list to reassure myself that Jacob fell no where on them. And for the most part he didn't. Jacob was pretty social, if he knew you. And so very bright. He knew letters, numbers, shapes, colors, at such an early age. But was it normal for my sweet baby boy to yell at the cashier at Target "Stop looking at me!!" ? It was obvious he didn't like being the center of attention. So maybe he was shy. But I knew that wasn't it. There was little to no eye contact. Any type of affection was forced upon him by us. And he didn't play. Toys just sat there on shelves untouched.

At that point Parents as Teachers were coming to the house, and again Jacob passed every milestone with flying colors. I brought up autism and she told me definately no. He was gifted she said. And in many ways he was (and still is). Musically Jacob could do incredible things. Before the age of two he could clap out the beat to BINGO. Having a daughter who is almost two now, I know how unheard of that really is. He also had a memory that was beyond incredible. At age two we took him to the zoo with his grandparents. A full year later, he remembered the room number of the hotel we stayed at.

Somewhere before age three, we noticed Jacob's obsession with swinging things. He didn't like movement at all. Just looking at the swings at the playground in our backyard would make him freak out and start to panic. It got so bad that even if the wand on the miniblinds was moving back and forth, he would panic and want to flee. It was a really tough time for us. Car rides became almost impossible. What two year old gets so upset about going on the interstate?

Again, everyone said he was fine, so again we let it all go. It was just Jacob. Things bothered him, and that was fine. I couldn't wait for him to start preschool and form friendships. At age 3 he started at our church preschool. And that's when everything really fell apart.