How I Taught My Son to Be Mean

When Jacob was four, I bought a series of workbooks on virtues. At the time he was very interested in learning, so I thought why not go beyond ABCs and 123s. It was about that time that I realized other people's emotions were a hard concept for him. His first lesson was on kindness. He loved the animal based approach and we finished the entire book in one afternoon. What I hadn't banked on was that not only did the book show how to be kind, it also showed examples of being unkind. The idea was to have the child determine which was nice and which was not. "I like playing cars with you." Nice! "Your shoes are ugly!" Not so nice. "You are a good baseball player." Nice! You get the idea. And Jacob took his chunky orange crayon and circled the nice examples.

At age four Jacob really had no idea how to be mean intentionally. He still doesn't for the most part. Many times he will say hurtful things without even realizing it is not nice. Some of that is Aspergers, some is just the innocence of children. Lately when he doesn't get his way he tells me, "You are the meanest mommy ever!" At first it stung a little. Now the initial bite has worn off and he realizes it doesn't get much of a reaction any more. All it took was one time of me saying "I can show you mean mommy if you want," when he was upset because I wouldn't let him have a third fruit snack. "I just won't buy any fruit snacks anymore!" Nipped that in the bud!

So my goal has always been to teach Jacob kindness toward people and the world around him. A simple approach of, if you are nice, you will have friends type of mentality. With his social skills lacking, making and keeping friends would be a challenge, and the world is not always kind to those that are different. The best way to fight any impending bullying in the future was to build a strong foundation for my son. If his heart was full of kindness and love, it would make it much harder for the hurts, sadness, and anger of the world to break him down.

Pick up any Aspergers book and it is almost guaranteed you will find a section on bullying. It's no big shocker that kids with Aspergers get picked on. They're unique and quirky. They have obsessive interests that more than likely don't appeal to their peers. They have a need to control situations and others. They are not always aware of the teasing or bullying. Unfortunately all this makes them an easy target. In one report I read it said that 90% of kids with Aspergers are bullied on a daily basis. Ninety percent! Ninety percent! That is hard to stomach looking at my sweet innocent little boy. Is this really what he has to look forward to?

Jacob gives me little information about his day at school. I ask him trying not to push too hard, and he always responds with "I don't want to talk about it. End of discussion." When Jacob leaves school, he wants to leave it all behind and move on with his day and have fun. I know he has friends. I see him at recess playing soccer or basketball. And he does talk about some kids. He seems to cling to one at a time. Right now it is all about Amy. He gets giggly just talking about her. But of course I still worry. Would Jacob even be aware if someone was making fun of him? Would he notice if a classmate was teasing him? If it is happening, and even if Jacob doesn't notice, his classmates see what is going on, and then they could start thinking the same way. It's been 30 some years since I was in elementary school and I can still tell you the kids that were picked on and bullied. I knew it was wrong, but did I stand up for them. Sadly, no.

The silver lining in all this is that bullying is front and center these days. Everyone is talking about it. From parents and teachers to celebrities. Bullying is no longer accepted as a norm. It does have to stop. And I do feel that our country is moving in the right direction. But you still hear horror stories of bullying and the terrible consequences that can be associated when someone is pushed too far.

My mother always told me to "Kill them with Kindness." Honestly it is probably some of the best advice I ever received. If someone knows they are doing something or saying something and it bothers you, they will continue to do it. They've got your goat. Just like Jacob telling me I was the meanest mommy.   Once he realized it wasn't working, he stopped. I'm not saying this is the answer to all bullying. Some kids are just mean spirited and it doesn't matter, they will just be mean! And I also don't want Jacob to think he has to put up with someone picking on him. But if he learns that if his initial reaction is to simply not react, maybe it will not give the bully the power they are seeking. Hopefully by giving Jacob kindness and confidence the bullies of this world will stay far from my son.

So you are wondering how I taught my son to be mean when my goal is to teach him kindness. The day after the kindness workbook the two of us were snuggling on the sofa watching a show before his afternoon nap. The show ended and I announced it was nap time. Naturally Jacob being four protested. I turned off the TV to which Jacob said, "Your shoes are ugly!" I looked at my bare feet and just laughed.