Holding my Breath

Everyone says that you shouldn't compare your kids. They are each individuals and develop at their own rate. Each has their own personality, likes and dislikes, yada, yada,  I get it. But when you have a child on the spectrum, it is impossible not to compare your second child. At least for me. I don't compare in a "Oh, look at the baby sister, she is so much smarter than older brother was at that age." Or "Oh, look at the baby sister, she is no where near as bright as her big brother was at that age." My comparisons are out of wonder, fear, and the question of are we going down the same path as before.

The fact is that parents of a child on the Autism Spectrum, have a 1 in 5 chance that their next child will also develop the disorder. The risk is even higher if the second child is a boy. Researchers recommend closely watching younger siblings for signs of Autism, so early intervention could begin as soon as possible. This updated information came out late last summer, when my baby girl was just a little over a year. Just about the same age when it became quite evident that something was different about Jacob.

At the time my baby girl was just starting to walk. I remember reading the article and holding my breath as the wheels in my head turned. You see, Jacob had met all his milestones very early. He talked a ton, he walked early, rolled over early, all but crawling. He actually didn't crawl until he had been walking for 2 months. So naturally when his baby sister wasn't walking until 14 months, I was beginning to become concerned. But before you knew it she was running, and I exhaled and could breathe a little easier.

It was a few months later that I saw her walk on her tip toes for the first time. Again I held my breath. "NO!" I remember thinking. "Please, God, No." So again I naturally compared it to our journey with our son. Were we headed down the same path? Jacob had started walking on his toes at about the same age. But he never stopped. He still toe walks a majority of the time. Thankfully his baby sister does it every once in a while. Again, I could breathe.

There have been many more times I have held my breath over the past year. The first time my baby girl put her hands over her ears and said, "Loud!" in reaction to a sudden noise. Was this her own sensory issues, or was she modeling behavior she had witnessed from her brother? Or maybe it was just loud. Either way, I held my breath and still gasp a little when I see her do this. When she tells me "Owie, foot" and she has a crumb or small piece of paper stuck to the bottom of her foot. Is that touch sensory issues? Or maybe it just legitimately bothers her at the time? Are her wails of "Cars! Coming!" from the backseat of the van motion sensory issues? Or is she just noticing things for the first time now that she is no longer facing backwards? Is it a true fear or anxiety? Or is it possible she has just witnessed her brother get upset about things and has taken on that same tone?

But then I notice the differences. My baby girl plays. Jacob never played. I've watched her play with her little people princess doll pretending to have her fall off the balcony of the castle. I've seen her prepare me a meal and ask me what I want off her pretend menu while playing in her kitchen. And I've caught her snuggling her baby dolls, and pretending to put them to bed. There was no pretend play with Jacob.

And the fact that she already can buckle her own booster seat at the dinner table. I swear I could still to this day put Jacob in there and he would not have any clue as to get out. So her fine motor skills are developing. I see how she holds her crayons, already the correct way and with a firm grasp, where Jacob still has such a light approach to writing and coloring and many times needs reminders to flip his hand to hold his pencil correctly. That's why he always prefers markers.

And everything is "My do it!" Already she is asserting her independence. Jacob was never that way. He still isn't. He still asks for assistance on many things, things that his baby sister is already trying to do on her own. There are many mornings when he asks me to help him with his socks because he can't get them "just right".

But one of the biggest differences is the way she will run up and throw her arms around me. Or in the mornings when I get her out of her crib, she lays her head on my shoulder and just wants to be close to me. Jacob is affectionate, but on his own terms. And even when he is, it is a light touch with me reminding him to hug me tight or to put his arms around me.


Yesterday morning as we were walking back home after dropping Jacob off at school, the garbage truck happened to be right in front of our house. My typical response was to hold my breath, a learned response from years of anticipating meltdowns and waiting for reactions from Jacob. But there wasn't a reaction. My baby girl watched in amazement. There were no hands over the ears. There were no tears. And as the garbage truck pulled away, my sweet baby girl looked at me and said, "Garbage truck. Go?"

And I could breathe again.