It's a lonely, lonely world

I can count on one hand the number of actual true playdates Jacob has had. Sure our neighbor kids come over to play plenty with Jacob, but as far as kids from school, it doesn't happen. That's really hard for a mom to write. It hurts my heart to think about it, and makes me wonder what does Jacob's day look like at school. Is it lonely for him? Does he notice? Or is he too preoccupied with his own thoughts of elephants and baseball to care? When I ask him who his friends are at school he usually tells me "everyone". But I know that isn't true. He's told me about the boy in his class who yelled in his ear because he knew Jacob didn't like loud noises. And I've seen how some kids dismiss Jacob while I am up at school functions.

If you have read articles or books on Aspergers, many would say that children with Aspergers tend to be loners. I don't believe that. At least not in Jacob. Jacob definitely has an interest in his peers. He does not WANT to be alone. He wants friends. He just doesn't always know how to act appropriately. He doesn't understand that his peers don't want to talk about animals, or play animals, or learn about every homerun on his favorite baseball team. He is unaware that they are not interested and keeps on pushing it. And he doesn't get why they wouldn't want to learn about these things. They are fascinating to him! He can't comprehend why his friends wouldn't want to learn about elephants for the 100 time. How  frustrating and sad it must be for my son who has a desire for interaction and togetherness with his peers, yet struggles to make it happen.

It is typical for children with Aspergers to be very naive and childish in their interests. This makes it even harder for Jacob to form friendships. How can he relate to his peers when they are talking about the latest episode of iCarly or Spongebob, and Jacob is content with watching Bubble Guppies or Mickey Mouse with his baby sister. It's not that we haven't tried to get him interested in programs more for his age. He doesn't care. Or the humor is lost on him. Jacob also wouldn't think twice about playing with his sister's little people farm or a puzzle made for an 18 month old, as long as it had an elephant. I used to not let him. Now I talk to him about it and let him know that it is not for someone his age, and maybe just to not tell his friends at school.

Most parents probably don't give much thought to their kids' friendships. Sure they want them hanging out with nice respectful children and not trouble makers. But for us, Jacob's socialization is always an issue and a worry.  Since Jacob's school playground is right in our backyard, I admit my husband and I both watch him at recess. I've done it for two years now. I know someday a police officer is going to come knocking on my door after a report of a suspicious person staring at the playground. Hopefully they will understand that I am just a concerned mom who needs the reassurance her child is ok. It gives me a good idea of who Jacob is playing with and at least then I know he isn't just walking around the playground alone. But more than anything it gives me hope that at some point true deep friendships will be formed.

So friendship must be taught to Jacob. It is and never will be a natural thing for him. Playing with a friend, making a friend, and being with a friend are overwhelming social skills for an Aspergers child. If you think about yourself, no one taught you how to be friends. Sure someone may have told you about sharing, being nice, but at an early age you learned social skills on your own. So now imagine that everytime you tried to connect you failed. If trying to make friends causes you so much anxiety, stress, and rejection, at some point being alone would be easier. To help Jacob with this he attends a social skills class twice a month with other kid his age.

Jacob usually gravitates towards girls as his friends. Maybe girls are safer and more accepting. I think it is easier for him around girls. He knows to giggle, smile, and give them attention. Someday he will make an incredible husband! Not that he is in to girlie things. He loves his sports, and princess stuff makes him say "ewwww!".

But if Jacob had his choice, he would pick an adult, especially a "new" adult. Someone new is a captive audience for Jacob. They are ususally amazed by his amount of knowledge on various subjects. Countless times someone will stop by the house for my husband or me, and Jacob sucks them into his world. And then the next day he will ask if that person can come over again to "play" with him. Trying to have adult friends over is almost impossible because Jacob is relentless vying for their attention.

Not only can Aspergers be lonely for Jacob, it can be lonely for us as his parents as well.  I guess I always envisioned that once Jacob became school aged, he would have tons of friends, and their parents would enturn become our friends. But that just hasn't happened. Since Jacob hasn't truly connected with anyone from school, we haven't had those opportunities to meet more parents.  It's not like his classmates' parents are calling us up saying that their child can't wait to get together to play with Jacob. It just doesn't happen. But I don't blame them. Would I be calling up someone from Jacob's class who he didn't care for or hadn't connected with and invite him or her over? No, but that doesn't make it any easier. It feels like rejection on so many levels. And it hurts. How many times when Jacob was little would I have loved to have someone invite us for a playdate so the kids could play and the moms could chat. But it didn't happen. Sure you could turn it and say, but you didn't make those calls either. But you have to realize when you know something is different about your child, the last thing you are going to do is put them out there to see that rejection first hand. I casually tried. I made it a point to tell the moms of the kids that Jacob talked about how much he liked them. Apparently their children weren't talking the same at their house.

And I wonder if  over the years some of our friendships have been dissolved because of our son? Please don't misinterpret this. We have lots of friends, and in no way would I blame Jacob for any friendships that have fizzled out. But some friends we just don't see as often as we used to. Would those friendships have continued to grow had our children connected? We have several incredible friends who are also our neighbors that we get together with regularly. They have known Jacob since the beginning. They understand what sets him off and they don't react or care. They know that at times our plans can change at the drop of a hat, or sometimes we have to leave early. There have been plenty of times when we have had to pick up Jacob and drag him home kicking and screaming because he is having a meltdown. We have many other friends that we don't see very often that are very accepting of Jacob. I'm referring to meeting and making new friends, and friendships that were never formed because they never had a chance to start.

I'm not intending for this to come across as a pity party. And it is certainly not that our friends don't care. We have an amazing support system of friends old and new, with kids and without. Our extended family is wonderful and love Jacob and embrace his quirkiness and oddities.  But no matter how much they all care, they simply can not relate. They see glimpses of our life here and there. Aspergers is 24/7. Aspergers is exhausting.

To use one of  my sister's favorite quotes, "It is what it is". And somedays it is hard. And somedays it is lonely.