A mother's love

I knew when I started a blog that I was opening myself up to criticism and unwanted comments. It's no big surprise that there is a lot of controversial subjects that go along with Autism. Many are adamant about the cause of their child's Autism or Aspergers. Others believe that their course of therapy is the best. While others swear by certain dietary restrictions. But for me, I don't really have strong opinions on any of these subjects. My blog was intended for my thoughts and just tales of our life with Jacob and how his Aspergers affects it, both positively and negatively. My hopes were to connect to others since we were having little to no luck connecting in the "real world", and also just give a glimpse to our family and friends as to what our daily life entails.

And so I was surprised that my first very negative comment struck me so hard. I was even more surprised that this comment came from a young man with Aspergers. He had read my post "Holding my Breath" where I talked about my fears, worries, and the statistics of my baby girl developing an Autism Spectrum Disorder. He wanted to know what was so bad about having a child with Aspergers, and that I could not possibly love my son since I did not love his Aspergers.

I don't feel like I have to fully love Aspergers just as I don't love undesirable traits about anyone. The negatives of Aspergers are things we are helping Jacob work to improve on. No different than anyone working on self improvement. And the positives just need to be put in the right direction and I know that Jacob will do incredible things someday!

Every human being has traits and characteristics that are undesirable. No one is made perfect. I can tell you mine. I am not always patient. Sometimes I am quick to judge. I am definitely a worrier. Meeting new people makes me incredibly nervous and anxious. I know that I can be envious at times. I'm sure there are many other things I could add to this list. But does that mean that my own mother loves me less? No. Or my husband? No. That's what unconditional love is. I'm sure if you asked my husband if he detests that I am impatient at times he would say yes, but he still loves me. Does he have to love my impatience to love me fully? Both of my children have undesirable traits. And that is how I view the negatives of Aspergers, simply as traits of Jacob's that are not desirable and things we can work with him on to improve.

I love the way Jacob appreciates and notices all the little things in this world and opens my eyes to things I normally wouldn't have seen. I love his innocence and his naivety to the world. I love how caring and compassionate he can be at times.  I love his appreciation for and musical abilities. I love how incredibly smart he is and his ability to retain information and remember everything. I love his uniqueness and his interesting sense of humor. I love his creativity and appreciation for animals. But is this truly Aspergers or just who my son is? Couldn't he just be talented? I see all of Jacob's talents and gifts. But I give that credit to him, not to Aspergers.

But of course along with the good comes the bad. I don't love the meltdowns. I don't love his anxiety and fears that paralyze him from doing things that he wants to enjoy. I don't love the way his peers are beginning to notice and inquire about Jacob's quirkiness. I don't love his inability to go with the flow. I don't love his sensitivities to noises. I don't love his running response to fears.

I wouldn't change Jacob for anything in the world. ASPERGERS DOES NOT DEFINE JACOB. He is much more than that. I wish he didn't have to struggle. I wish it was easier for him.  One of the hardest things to witness as a mother is your child struggle or be in pain. The part of Aspergers I don't like is the part that makes my son's life difficult for him. I wish more than anything I could take that part away.

So why would I wish any of that on my baby girl? Jacob wouldn't wish that upon her.

If Jacob had cancer, would I be expected to embrace that, and love his cancer? Would it make sense for me to say, "Oh, I hope my unborn baby has cancer as well?" Of course not! This young man said, that Aspergers was not a disease. Ok...so let's say Jacob was born blind, which would pose many struggles and adaptations. Would anyone in their right mind say, "Oh, I so hope I have another baby that is blind!" Again, of course not! So why, would I WANT Aspergers or another Autism Spectrum Disorder for my baby girl? Obviously if she were on the Spectrum, we would love her to no end, just as we do now. Just as we love her brother. Aspergers is definitely a part of Jacob. My husband and I thoroughly accept that. But Aspergers is not entirely what Jacob is. He is so much more than his Aspergers.

How about looking at it from a logical perspective.

I love my husband.
I do not love golf.
My husband loves golf.
Therefore to love my husband, I must love golf.

Hmm.....that's not going to happen. I tried it once in junior high with my dad, and let's just say it's best I didn't try it again!

So now you are saying, "but golf is a choice. Aspergers is not a choice." Ok...I get that. Let's try this one.

I love my husband.
I do not love Myeloproliferative Blood Disorders.
My husband has a Myeloproliferative Blood Disorder.
Therefore to love my husband, I must love Myeloproliferative Blood Disorders.

Again, not going to happen. Not when it has made him very sick and at some point could end his life. No way can I love that! I could totally do without the countless hours my husband spends at doctor's appointments, lengthy hospital stays, and never ending medical bills!  But he was born with it, just like Aspergers. There was no choice. It affects his daily life, just like Aspergers.

So now the last one.

I love my son Jacob.
I do not love Aspergers.
Jacob has Aspergers.
Therefore to love my son Jacob, I must love Aspergers.

Sorry, just like the previous logic statements, it isn't working for me. They are separate to me. They do not have to go together. So that is my logical take on the arguement.

I never realized that this is such a controversial topic with Autism. I am probably setting myself up for even more criticism. Please just bare in mind that everyone is entitled to their opinion, both yours and mine.  Many agree with this young man that you must embrace Autism or Aspergers to fully love your child.  I'm sorry but I will never LOVE a meltdown my son is having while out in public. Still love my son, just not the meltdown. Which is no different than when my husband leaves his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Love my husband to no end, don't particularly care for this action. Or my baby girl launching her food at dinner completely bypassing the splat mat under her seat and staining my carpet. Love my baby girl, don't love the mess. And of course I get that Jacob's meltdowns are something that he can't control, and obviously my husband can learn where the laundry basket is located.  But in time Jacob will learn to control his meltdowns and his reactions to things. They will lessen. They will never completely go away, but will become manageable. He already has gotten better on many things that used to bother him.

I do not pretend to know what it is like to live with Aspergers. But I do know what it is like to live with a child with Aspergers. I don't have all the answers, nor do I want them. I am not out there actively searching like a mad woman for a quick "cure", but instead accept my son wholly and try to help him when he struggles.

What I do wish for my son is that he knows and learns what true UNCONDITIONAL love is, and that is exactly what his mother feels for him day in and day out. I celebrate his strengths and courage,  but wish the obstacles of Aspergers were not there each day for him.