Learning to say "I Love You, too"

It was about a month ago I realized that every night after kissing Jacob and tucking him in bed, I say the same thing, "Good night, Jacob. I love you." And at the door I always turn and say "Sweet dreams." Typically if Jacob responds it is in protest to going to bed, asking for one last drink of water, or some other stall tactic. Or sometimes he will quietly hum and start reading a book, appearing oblivious to my words. On this night I decide to teach Jacob to respond. I tell him how if someone says "Good night" a proper reply would be to say "Good night" in return. I then tell him that if someone says "I love you", he should reply with "I love you, too", if he indeed loves that person.

It's not that I haven't heard I love you from Jacob. He certainly says it and writes it in every card he ever makes for me. But when I say it to my son, sometimes it is hard to brush off his aloofness about it as if I am discussing the weather. In fact, I typically get a better response if I discuss the weather! I feel petty even writing this as I am so fortunate to hear those words from Jacob. Many parents of children on the Spectrum have never heard "I love you" from their child, let alone the sound of their voice. So I am thankful that Jacob is able to say those words. I cherish them every time I hear them.

It's a hard concept to grasp this love stuff. It is  difficult for Jacob to understand when it is appropriate and when it is not. I can not even tell you how many times I have gotten phone calls or notes home from school because Jacob has kissed little girls at school. When I ask them why, he'll tell me because they asked and he loves them. Hmm...valid point. But it's still not appropriate for school. Teaching those boundaries is a difficult task. He doesn't understand that just because he feels it doesn't mean he should act on it.

Another time as I was walking with Jacob to our car after a baseball game, he puts his arm around his buddy and says, "I love you!" To which the other 6 year old laughed and said, "No, you don't love me!" And Jacob said, "I do love you!" In the car I tried explaining to Jacob that yes, he loved his friend and cared for him, but instead of saying I love you, he could give him a high five, or bump knuckles, or just say, "Hey, I like hanging out with you" or "You're a good friend".

I've read that people with Aspergers are incapable of love. I don't believe that. It is true that emotional concepts are hard for people with Aspergers to understand. Those with Aspergers Syndrome lack the ability to understand and cope with other's feelings and thoughts. And even if there does become understanding, being able to communicate that understanding is difficult. We are still working on Jacob's understanding of love, when it is appropriate, and how to respond to others. He's getting there.

The other day Jacob came home from school with a wrinkled up paper in his backpack. He had made it on a word document at school in computer class. On it were two bright red hearts and a yellow star and words about Love. I read it with tears in my eyes. It was beautiful and heartfelt how my six year old viewed love. After reading it, I asked him what the assignment had been. Were they required to write about love? No, Jacob said, they could write about anything they wanted. Anything? Yes, anything. Wow! My sweet boy had not chosen to write about animals and the zoo as he normally would. He didn't write a list of his favorite baseball players and their stats or positions. He wrote about love. True unconditional love from his heart.

Here it is.

Loves are good to your family
but not your friends.
You can make loves to your family.
I like your loves mommy and daddy.
Have a great day at home mommy and daddy.
I love you so much.
I want to play with you after school.
My mom makes good loves for me.
Have a great day mommy.


So maybe my son has a better understanding than I realize. He definitely feels it in his heart, and he's learning when it is appropriate. Hopefully twenty years from now when that special someone says those words to him, he will know to say "I love you, too" if he indeed feels it in his heart.