I admit it. I did it. I didn't want to admit it. So that's why when Jacob looked at me for an answer to who ate the brownie ice cream, I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. I knew whatever I said would cause a blow up, because there wasn't any brownie ice cream left in the freezer. So instead I stood there frozen, as solid as the ice cream I had finished off earlier, while my husband answered for me, "Mommy, ate all the ice cream." And then looked at me and said, "Well, he needs to hear the truth. We want to build trust right?" To which Jacob yelled, "YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE MEANEST MOMMY EVER!"
At that moment I did feel like the meanest mommy ever. I mean what mom eats their kids ice cream? Right?
We had picked out the ice cream a week or so ago, or should I say JACOB picked out the ice cream. Ice cream was on sale, and so I let Jacob pick out one of the flavors. Of course, he picked chocolate brownie, his favorite! The week had gone by with no mention of the ice cream. My husband and I had eaten some late one night once the kids were in bed watching last season's Parenthood. I honestly thought Jacob had forgotten about it, when it was calling to me from the freezer this afternoon. Jacob and his dad had left for baseball practice and wouldn't be back for at least two hours. My baby girl was fast asleep in her crib napping, and I realized I was hungry. For the past week or so I had been fighting a nasty sore throat and sinus infection, so when hunger struck, the ice cream sounded like a perfect solution to my scratchy throat. Plus I was alone to savor it completely.
I did hesitate. I knew there wasn't much of the brownie ice cream left, and that Jacob had yet to have any of his favorite treat. But Jacob hadn't mentioned it once, so surely I could replace it first thing tomorrow before he noticed. I should have known better.
Jacob comes running into my bedroom after baseball practice and announces, "Daddy and I are going to have some ice cream and Sprite!" Uh oh! I head to the kitchen to try to avert disaster. I grab the three other choices from the freezer and place them on the counter. "What kind would you like?" I nervously ask Jacob. "Where's the brownie ice cream?" he replies. Hadn't I learned I couldn't pull a fast one on my son? And that's when my husband ratted me out!
Jacob didn't take it well. And it didn't just end with me being the meanest mommy. Oh no, he went on and on making me feel even worse. "How could you not think of your son? You need to think of someone other than yourself." These were my own words coming back to haunt me. Words I had used with Jacob while trying to help him understand empathy and other's feelings. Maybe he gets it more than I realize. And then he hit me, more than once. Unfortunately we are used to it. When Jacob is raging and in the beginning stages of a meltdown he lashes out at my husband and me.
I know some of you are saying, "That would NEVER happen in my house!" You know what? You are right. It wouldn't happen in your house because you don't have a child with Aspergers. Those of you who do have children on the spectrum are reading this with understanding, knowing what a true meltdown looks like full of intense emotions. Trust me, it's not pretty. And honestly, I wish it were a Super Nanny thing. I wish someone could give me the magic solution to my son no longer hitting. Of course we talked about it after the fact. We discussed that being angry is ok, but hitting is not, and what he could do or say instead. Jacob is always remorseful and promises to never hit again. But then it happens. Something brings on those powerful emotions and he lashes out without thinking.
He did have something right though. At that moment when the ice cream was calling to me, I had been thinking of me. But what he doesn't know, and may never fully understand is there are very few moments when I am not thinking of my son. All day long my thoughts are filled with how Jacob will respond to new situations, plans we have made, errands we have to run, dinner menus, etc. I never know what could and will set him off, so it is always there in my mind. I am always prepared for it. And so while sitting on the sofa this afternoon, eating the last of the chocolate brownie ice cream and watching the latest DVR'd episode of Survivor in silence, it was all about me. If only for a while.
Jacob did calm down. He accepted my apology and kindly asked through stifled tears for me to pick up some more brownie ice cream next time at the store. Naturally he agreed on one of the three other replacement ice creams without too much complaint. He did manage to tell me that I was the 20th meanest mommy, and no longer the meanest. And then he asked for some Sprite, and I said a silent prayer to God thankful I had not finished that off as well.
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