Finding Balance

The other morning when I woke, I walked out into the kitchen to find my husband balancing a wooden spoon on his hand with Jacob counting loudly to ten. It looked like something off Minute to Win It. When Jacob got to ten, he announced, "Great work you've won the snowy owl!" I look at my husband who tells me he was bored with the usual animal games we play and wanted to make them a little more challenging. So while making breakfast, my husband balanced a bowl on his foot, a donut bag on his head, and a yogurt cup on his forehead. Jacob's last challenge was for him to balance the syrup on his head, but not liking dry pancakes, I put a stop to it there.

I have to give it to my husband for his creativity. Usually Jacob is wanting to play the same animal games over and over. "Answer ten questions about the elephant before time runs out!" I've played them so many times, I answer without thinking and when I respond incorrectly that elephants do have spots, or giraffes have long trunks, Jacob knows I am not listening and just going through the motions.

Over the years I have changed my stance on Jacob's animal obsession. At first when he was little and loved cows and bison it was so cute. Not many three year olds can tell you the difference between a Hereford cow and a Holstein cow. Then somehow there was a transition to elephants and safari animals. Still cute that he knew all about African and Asian elephants. But then there were times when we felt like it was becoming all Jacob could focus on, and we would take some of his favorite animal things away. I remember more than one time when my husband would hid his animal stuff in the attic, while Jacob would scream in protest running around like a wild animal himself. Or sometimes we would simply refuse to play animal games with him. There were plenty of times we both lost our cool.

I'm sure that all sounds horrible. How could a parent be so insensitive to a child? But it wasn't that. We were wanting to connect. We were desperate. Desperate for anyway to enter his world. Desperate for anything meaningful, besides animals. Anything!!

One of the biggest questions for me about Aspergers is how much should we try to limit Jacob's obsessions. I can't seem to find a clear cut answer. Some say if you limit it, they just find a different obsession. Very true. Jacob went through a dinosaur phase about the time we were an anti-elephant house. Other stuff I read says that the more you try to control it, the child will learn to resent you. By not accepting Jacob's love of animals, is he thinking we are turning our backs to him as well? And when I think about it, how would I feel if someone took away my favorite things? Of course I would react as a crazed being. Or how would I feel if when I was talking to my husband about something I am passionate about and he told me he wasn't interested? How hurtful! And so that is always the big question, to indulge or not to indulge. We still go back and forth on it, but lean more towards indulging him just with some time limits.

Unless you have lived with a child who has an obsession, it is hard to even describe how it can become your entire day. I admit some days I hate animals! I hate them! I just want to do something else with my son. When he draws, he draws animals. When he plays on the computer, he looks for an animal game. When we play a board game, he gets mad and quits if he doesn't get an elephant. When we read, it's about animals. And don't even think about reading a fiction animal book, it has to be a fact book. When I buy him a new book, the first thing he asks is if it has an elephant. I have learned not to even bring anything with animals into our house if it doesn't have an elephant. Sun up to sun down is all about animals. It seems to come in waves to where for weeks it will be his only focus, and then it will back off some. I've often wondered if during those times he is struggling with something and needs the security that animals bring for him.

The other day after the Minute to Win It Animal Version, I told Jacob we wouldn't be playing animal games all day and to pick a time to be done. He chose 9:24. As the moments ticked down to the end, he hurridly asked my husband the final questions to ensure he would win every animal. He came in right at the buzzer winning the elephant with only seconds to spare. Jacob said he would be done with animals for the day. I knew that wasn't a possibility. It didn't take long for me to hear the familiar sound of him lugging his huge plastic tote of animals down the stairs into the living room.

Jacob has asked me numerous times over the years what my favorite animal is. It bothers him when I don't have an answer. You see, I don't really like animals. I don't tell him that. He can't grasp that others aren't as amazed as he is by these creatures. I usually just tell him giraffes. Still in the safari family, yet doesn't compete in any way with an elephant, so it is safe territory.

My husband and I have learned that to truly connect with Jacob we have to embrace his passion for animals. So we enter his world. We indulge him and play his games, but do set time limits. We still try to encourage other interests. We kindly remind him that not everyone is interested in animals. We try to find some balance. And if that means balancing a wooden spoon on your hand, we do it!