No, I'm talking about these three words. "I want Jacob."
This morning one of her favorite songs by the Fresh Beat Band came on TV. If you are an avid Nick Jr follower like our house, you have heard the song "Just like a Rockstar" before. It is pretty much played in between every cartoon all day long in hopes of promoting their new album. Typically when my kids hear this song, it becomes a full fledged rock concert at our house. So this morning when my baby girl heard those first few lyrics "Play it loud, just like a Rockstar!"...she turned to me and said, "I want Jacob." She knew that no matter how hard her mama tried, my rock concert couldn't compare to her big brother's.
On the days when my husband works from home and she wakes after her brother has left for school, she seems a little lost. She'll go from room to room saying, "Jakey, Are you?" hoping for her big brother to pop out and scare her like he normally does. But she knows that when Jacob is at school, she will get to see him. At 11:00 each day, we head to the windows at the back of our house waiting for Jacob to run out with the rest of his class for recess. When she catches a glimpse of him, she yells out "There he is!! Found him!" She'll spend the next fifteen minutes pounding on the window in hopes of getting his attention. Thankfully Jacob is oblivious or I'm sure he would race over to see his baby sister.
When we first decided to have another baby one of my biggest worries was how it would affect Jacob. For four years he had been our everything. The sun rose and set by him. It was all about Jacob. Like many other moms I thought how could I possible love another child as much as I love my son. And would having another baby change the wonderful relationship I had with Jacob? Jacob hadn't been diagnosed at the time, but of course I was worried how this huge new addition would rock his world. But it didn't. For a child with Aspergers, I would say he adjusted to a new baby sister better than most kids. He was never jealous vying for our attention. He didn't act out. He just loved her. I mean really, really loved her.
When you read about Aspergers, it is often said that they lack empathy. Jacob may lack an understanding of others emotions and not know how to respond accordingly. I have also read lately, that it is more possibly believed that they do not lack empathy, but rather they are easily overwhelmed in emotional situations, so they tend to shut down. To me this makes more sense, because at times Jacob can be very tuned in to his emotions and others. And it is said that they are more emotional than their peers. Again, that makes more sense to me as well. But even if he is lacking in empathy, it does not mean that he lacks in compassion. When his sister is upset or hurt, he is the first one there asking if she is ok. When I am sick laying in bed, he is always right there beside me wanting to make me better. He may be jumping on the bed, but he is right there.
I remember when our baby girl was only about a week old. My husband had returned to work and it was one of our first days home alone, just the three of us. I was still moving pretty slow at the time from my c-section. Jacob was watching a show on TV while the baby slept and I decided to take a much needed shower. I stepped out of the bathroom after showering, to find Jacob at the age of four standing in the baby's room holding his brand new baby sister under her armpits. "Jacob!" I screamed, "What are you doing!" "Mommy, she was crying. I wanted to help her." How he had gotten her out of her crib I do not know. Nor do I want to know. But he had heard her cries and as a brother knew he had to help her.
He is still so protective of his sister. And the funny things is, she is of him as well. No matter how much we try to shield her, she has seen Jacob at his worst. She has seen his meltdowns and fits, the battles and tears. And she, like us, doesn't like it. The other night Jacob was running far ahead of us while walking up to his school, and she yelled out to him, "Jakey! No! Trouble!" She didn't want to see him in trouble any more than he wanted to be.
Yesterday my baby girl was helping me unpack some clothes I had stored away in our attic for her for this summer. In the plastic crate was a red hooded sweater. Out of all the cute, adorable sundresses and skirts, she was most excited about this red hooded sweater. She pulled it out and said, "Jacob's!" I told her no it was hers not her brother's, but it did indeed look like one of Jacob's favorite red sweatshirts. She wanted it on, and I helped her zip it up. She pointed at her tummy and said, "Like Jakey!" My precious baby girl wants nothing more than to be just like her sweet big brother, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
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