Gifted? Yes!...and no

My son is gifted. And then he's not. In some areas he is off the charts smart, probably smarter than his mommy on her best day. Yet other things will probably always be a little more difficult for him.

At age three Jacob could sing the alphabet backwards without hesitation. Go ahead and try it, I'll give you a minute. Not easy is it? Also at age three he taught himself to count by 2's, 5's and 10's. On his own. Just one day he told them to me. At age three most kids are just learning to count to 5 or 10. Mine was counting well past that way before age three.

I remember when Jacob was four and we were up at our church nursery. One of the nursery teachers was going to share the story of Jonah and the Whale. The book referred to the whale as a big fish. I knew the second she said it, that it would not set well with Jacob. While the other kids quietly ate their goldfish crackers listening to the story, Jacob raised his hand to correct the teacher. "Actually a whale is not a big fish, but a mammal," he tells her. Yep, that's my boy!

Musically Jacob has many talents as well. At an early age he was able to clap out rythmes to songs. At the time I thought all kids could do that. He taught himself to play simple songs like "Row, row, row your boat" and "Twinkle, twinkle little star" on his keyboard by ear. But the coolest thing he does is similar to beat boxing. When Jacob sings, it's not just a simple song. He makes different noises with his mouth while clapping in a unique way to get different sounds. It's hard to describe. We are so used to him doing it we don't even notice any longer when we are out and he is singing. So many times we have had people make comments that they have never heard anything like it. It is pretty remarkable! Maybe all the years of playing American Idol at our house will pay off someday.

At age six Jacob does very well in school. Reading, math, and spelling come easy for my son. The one thing I have learned is that it is typical for kids with Aspergers to have a very slow work pace when it comes to school. So it may appear that he does not know the work or is struggling, when it has more to do with motor skills and processing information. Poor handwriting and organizational skills along with perfectionist tendencies make for a slower school work pace.

Ask my son about any animal and he can tell you fact after fact. Ask him about his favorite baseball team and he can share with you stats on each player. Every birthday card he makes for family and friends is loaded with math word problems for the birthday person to solve. He's always asking questions and wanting to learn. But what I wouldn't give to lay in bed and read a fiction story with my son sharing with him some of my favorite stories I got lost in as a child, yet each night is full of animal fact books, night after night after night.

Although academically Jacob does well, but there are many things he struggles with. Things that kids his age have been doing by themselves for years. Most of his struggles are with his fine motor skills. Scissors and writing are still a challenge. Dressing is a constant struggle for Jacob. Every morning he wants help with his socks because he can't get them "just right". He can't wear pants with buttons, snaps, or zips because he can't maneuver them while they are on his body. Finally this year he learned to zip his coat. I hated watching him at recess last year with his coat hanging wide open in the middle of winter. Shoelaces haven't even been addressed yet. Thankfully velcro and slip on shoes are much more stylish than in years past.

Legos, blocks, and complex puzzles are not even attempted. Just too hard for him. Every once in a while he will try, but then gets discouraged. I'm sure he sees his peers doing these things, and knows he should be able to as well. Jacob doesn't own a bike. Not for our lack of trying. He's had one before, but it was not easy. Now they no longer make bikes in his size with training wheels. Pouring drinks, cutting with a knife, or spreading with a knife are again impossible tasks for him. Juice box straws? Not without help. Candy wrappers? It doesn't matter how badly he wants it, he will struggle.

Another thing I have learned is that people with Aspergers have a hard time generalizing. If I tell Jacob it is not ok to hit a friend at schoool, he doesn't make the connection that it isn't ok to hit someone at the mall, or the playground, etc. Once I learned this about my son, it made perfect sense. All those times when I wondered why we had to keep going over the same rules regarding behavior is clear.  How many times did I tell him last year not to kiss girls at recess only to have him kiss one at lunch? He thought the "rule" only applied to recess.

It has been speculated that many famous highly intelligent people had Aspergers. There is really no way to know for sure, but this list includes, Albert Einstein, Beethoven, Thomas Jefferson, and Isaac Newton to name a few. It has also been said that Al Gore, Bill Gates, and Mark Zuckerberg creator of Facebook have it as well. If that is the case, Jacob is amongst some great company!

I know Jacob's future holds something big for him. Is he gifted? In more ways than I will probably ever know. But the biggest gift is Jacob himself.

How I Taught My Son to Be Mean

When Jacob was four, I bought a series of workbooks on virtues. At the time he was very interested in learning, so I thought why not go beyond ABCs and 123s. It was about that time that I realized other people's emotions were a hard concept for him. His first lesson was on kindness. He loved the animal based approach and we finished the entire book in one afternoon. What I hadn't banked on was that not only did the book show how to be kind, it also showed examples of being unkind. The idea was to have the child determine which was nice and which was not. "I like playing cars with you." Nice! "Your shoes are ugly!" Not so nice. "You are a good baseball player." Nice! You get the idea. And Jacob took his chunky orange crayon and circled the nice examples.

At age four Jacob really had no idea how to be mean intentionally. He still doesn't for the most part. Many times he will say hurtful things without even realizing it is not nice. Some of that is Aspergers, some is just the innocence of children. Lately when he doesn't get his way he tells me, "You are the meanest mommy ever!" At first it stung a little. Now the initial bite has worn off and he realizes it doesn't get much of a reaction any more. All it took was one time of me saying "I can show you mean mommy if you want," when he was upset because I wouldn't let him have a third fruit snack. "I just won't buy any fruit snacks anymore!" Nipped that in the bud!

So my goal has always been to teach Jacob kindness toward people and the world around him. A simple approach of, if you are nice, you will have friends type of mentality. With his social skills lacking, making and keeping friends would be a challenge, and the world is not always kind to those that are different. The best way to fight any impending bullying in the future was to build a strong foundation for my son. If his heart was full of kindness and love, it would make it much harder for the hurts, sadness, and anger of the world to break him down.

Pick up any Aspergers book and it is almost guaranteed you will find a section on bullying. It's no big shocker that kids with Aspergers get picked on. They're unique and quirky. They have obsessive interests that more than likely don't appeal to their peers. They have a need to control situations and others. They are not always aware of the teasing or bullying. Unfortunately all this makes them an easy target. In one report I read it said that 90% of kids with Aspergers are bullied on a daily basis. Ninety percent! Ninety percent! That is hard to stomach looking at my sweet innocent little boy. Is this really what he has to look forward to?

Jacob gives me little information about his day at school. I ask him trying not to push too hard, and he always responds with "I don't want to talk about it. End of discussion." When Jacob leaves school, he wants to leave it all behind and move on with his day and have fun. I know he has friends. I see him at recess playing soccer or basketball. And he does talk about some kids. He seems to cling to one at a time. Right now it is all about Amy. He gets giggly just talking about her. But of course I still worry. Would Jacob even be aware if someone was making fun of him? Would he notice if a classmate was teasing him? If it is happening, and even if Jacob doesn't notice, his classmates see what is going on, and then they could start thinking the same way. It's been 30 some years since I was in elementary school and I can still tell you the kids that were picked on and bullied. I knew it was wrong, but did I stand up for them. Sadly, no.

The silver lining in all this is that bullying is front and center these days. Everyone is talking about it. From parents and teachers to celebrities. Bullying is no longer accepted as a norm. It does have to stop. And I do feel that our country is moving in the right direction. But you still hear horror stories of bullying and the terrible consequences that can be associated when someone is pushed too far.

My mother always told me to "Kill them with Kindness." Honestly it is probably some of the best advice I ever received. If someone knows they are doing something or saying something and it bothers you, they will continue to do it. They've got your goat. Just like Jacob telling me I was the meanest mommy.   Once he realized it wasn't working, he stopped. I'm not saying this is the answer to all bullying. Some kids are just mean spirited and it doesn't matter, they will just be mean! And I also don't want Jacob to think he has to put up with someone picking on him. But if he learns that if his initial reaction is to simply not react, maybe it will not give the bully the power they are seeking. Hopefully by giving Jacob kindness and confidence the bullies of this world will stay far from my son.

So you are wondering how I taught my son to be mean when my goal is to teach him kindness. The day after the kindness workbook the two of us were snuggling on the sofa watching a show before his afternoon nap. The show ended and I announced it was nap time. Naturally Jacob being four protested. I turned off the TV to which Jacob said, "Your shoes are ugly!" I looked at my bare feet and just laughed.

Oh, What a Night...

The other night was one of the most highly anticipated nights for any elementary school age child, right up there with Christmas, Halloween, and Easter. The School Fun Fair!

Of course we were among the first to arrive. We've learned over the years that Jacob needs this. Walking into a room full of people can be overwhelming for anyone, for Jacob it is torture. He needs to get there early to get grounded and assume a sense of security. So I knew we would be there to get the party started, and would be closing the place down.

Thankfully my sister had volunteered to watch our baby, so the night was all about Jacob. He was thrilled! A gym full of inflatables, snacks, games, prizes, everything a little boy would want. It didn't take long for my arms to be overflowing with trinkets, lemon lime soda, and yummy desserts from the cake walk. The night was going perfectly!

That is until we found the balloon animal room. I knew the second we walked in that this was going to be a problem. There was a sign reading, "One Balloon Animal per Wrist Band." Ok...we have one child, and one wrist band. The sign next to it had a list of each of the balloons you could pick from: hearts, stars, swords, dogs, dinosaurs, and giraffes. Uh oh! I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. But Jacob has surprised me before, so I turned to him to see his reaction. Jacob apparently had read the sign as well, and looks at me and says, "But I want both." He didn't have to tell me which two he wanted. Last year his obsession had been with dinosaurs. And he has always had a thing for safari animals, so the giraffe was a given. "Jacob, it says just one." "No," he yells, "I want both!" I knew things were spiraling out of control quickly. I was alone to fight this battle as my husband had kindly volunteered himself and was working his magic in the pop toss room. At this point Jacob is sitting right in front of the doorway sobbing loudly. Looking around at the plethora of balloons I too am questioning the limit of one. I go over to Jacob and quietly try explaining the rules again desperate to help him make a decision and avoid a meltdown. We were deep in the building and carrying 70 pounds of screaming child out the front door was not going to happen. My friend happened to be near by, and told me to just talk to the lady and she would understand. I debated if it was best to let the meltdown continue or try to squash it before it got really out of control. "Just tell them," I think. "There are plenty of balloons. Tell them!" "Tell them! Tell them!" But it is not my mind saying "tell them" at this point, but Jacob. Jacob doesn't know he has Aspergers, so it is not that he is wanting me to share that info. He is wanting me to tell them that he likes both and can't decide. Is it worth the fight? Do I make my child the exception?

I've never wanted Jacob's Aspergers to be a crutch or excuse. I knew I had to make a quick decision and it had to happen now as people were beginning to look and I did not want his classmates seeing Jacob this way. I turn to the balloon lady, and I'm guessing my face said it all. She kindly said, "What is it that he wants?" And I told her he was having a hard time deciding between the two. I could have left it at that. I could have just let her think my unruly child is a little monster and always gets his way. But I couldn't. I looked at her and said, "My son has Aspergers. He isn't throwing a fit to be a brat. He just can't make a choice. Both dinosaurs and giraffes are special to him. Had one not been on the list, there wouldn't have been a problem at all." She worked swiftly to make the balloons for my son still slumped by the door, but who had stopped crying. As she handed me the balloons, I thanked her with tears in my eyes.

I found Jacob next door in the pop toss room with his dad. He had left because while the balloons were being made, one had popped and it was too loud for him. He was thrilled with his new balloon creations and couldn't wait to show daddy. Jacob hands them back to me, and gets in line for his own turn to win yet another bottle of lemon lime soda. With my over filled arms, I tuck the balloon animals into his Toy Story goodie bag and that's when I hear a "pop". Surely that isn't what I think? Please say I didn't just do that. Not after the nearly 20 minutes I spent with the balloon lady. But oh, yes, I had popped the giraffe. And of course, Jacob hadn't missed a beat. He stepped out of line and came over to examine the shrinking giraffe. Seriously? Is this really happening. Just when I think we could move on. There was no way I could go back and ask for a third animal, but I knew Jacob would not let it go. That's when my teenage neighbor girl who happened to be in the room, came to the rescue. Knowing Jacob his entire life, she too knew how important this was to him, and she headed out to find the balloon lady in hopes of a replacement giraffe for my son.

The end of the night had arrived and there was only 10 minutes left of the fun fair. Jacob was making his final rounds replaying all his favorite games, when all of a sudden a loud alarm fills the school building. The fire alarm! Every child with sensory processing disorder's nightmare.  It was loud and there were people everywhere trying to navigate to the exits in an unfamiliar building. Children were crying all around us frightened and trying to find their parents. The school staff was panicky trying to figure out if this was for real or a prank gone bad. But amongst all the chaos and confusion, there was my son. Something that years before would have sent him into utter panic running with wild abandonment, here he was now holding his hands over his ears and patiently walking toward the exit without hesitiation. He was fine with a surprising calmness about him, and I couldn't have been more proud.

On the way to pick up his baby sister, I am reflecting on the night. The lows of the balloon battle to the highs of the fire alarm. But the best part for me was seeing Jacob with his friends. From the little girl in his class who picked him to race to the top of the inflatable mountain, to the friend who practically broke his arm off from four tables away, wanting Jacob to sit by him in the lunch room while eating dinner. All in all it had been a good night. I ask Jacob what was the highlight of his night, and he says, "the balloon animals, of course." as he holds tightly to his creations. "Of course," I think with a smile on my face.

A Different World View

When you have a child with Aspergers you see the world in a totally different way. You are aware of all the little things in life that you are normally quick to dismiss. Every minute is captured. Every detail is noticed. Why? Because your child points them all out.

Jacob is an observer. He always has been. As an infant he was very content with sitting in his bouncy seat watching the world and taking it all in. Once he began talking, he pointed to everything wanting to know the names of every object, and with his incredible memory, he never forgot them. Around age 3, he was no longer satisfied with knowing the names, he now wanted to know how to spell them. I'm guessing that is how he learned to read at such a young age, because no one formally sat down and showed him how.

Not only is he an observer, he is a talker. Jacob comments on everything! Everything he sees, he either asks questions or makes a comment. Some days I just want a little silence. But most days it is refreshing to see how my son views the world.

Take the other day for example. Jacob was supposed to be getting dressed for school. I go into my bedroom to remind him for the fourth time that he should be getting dressed, only to find him standing there in his birthday suit staring at "The Cat in the Hat" on TV. I patiently remind him what it is he is supposed to be doing, and he says, "Oh yeah!" and starts getting dressed. Then he proceeds to tell me, "Mommy, did you know that I always get dressed the same way? First I put on my underwear, then my pants, then my socks, and last my shirt." So I tell him that I put my clothes on in a different order. He looks at me for the longest time and just stares, taking in what I have told him as if he had never realized there was another option. This morning I noticed he put his pants on last.

Many of his comments or questions I simply do not have the answer for. I certainly don't consider myself uneducated. It's just many of the things he asks I have never taken the time to actually think about. For instance, yesterday afternoon as we were riding in the car he asked me, "Mommy, does every bird have its own tweet, just like humans each have a different voice?" Ok...wasn't ready for that one. Jacob loves his animals, but not particularly birds, so I can't say I am well read on the subject. I started to reply and than thought better and just said, "You know, I really don't know. We'll have to find out."

Most of his questions and observations come during our quiet times together, typically in the car or walking home from school. The other day he asked me how the squirrels picked which trees they would put their nest in, and then wanted to know why the tree we were in front of had been skipped. Hmm...again, don't know much about the squirrel population other than they better stay out of my flowers this spring!

"A man's accomplishments in life are the cumulative effect of his attention to detail." ~John Foster Dulles

One of the most surprising things he commented on at the age of 5 was telling me which houses in our neighborhood had the same floor plans as ours. He said, "Look Mommy, that house is the same as ours but doesn't have as many front steps."  I have lived in this neighborhood 10 years, and had never noticed. About the same time he went over to a friend's house after school and when he came home I asked if he had fun. He proceeded to tell me in detail how our floor plans were the same and how our houses differed. I remember him saying, "Isn't it interesting that their bathroom is not in the same place!" Yes, my sweetheart, very interesting.

Last week while stopped at a stop light, he commented to my husband that it is ok to take your hands off the steering wheel when at a red light. He had obviously noticed my husband's typical response while waiting for the light to change. My husband decides to explain the proper driving technique and tells Jacob that when you are first learning to drive you put your hands on "10 and 2" just like a clock. Sure enough as we pull away and my husband casually puts his hand on the bottom of the steering wheel, Jacob points out that he is not doing it correctly.

Many times his questions revolve around God. God and heaven are very hard concepts for him to understand. They are for anyone, but someone visual who needs something concrete has a lot of questions. Those are the hardest ones, explaining something he can not see. He usually wants to know what heaven looks like and one time was concerned if there would be bathrooms.

What I have learned from reading countless books is that it is believed people with Aspergers have a weak Central Coherence, which basically means they see the parts but not the whole picture. They pick up on the smallest of details that others overlook, yet are unable to understand the whole situation. The Central Coherence is the ability the brain needs to process the world around us. Information is taken in and received in small pieces instead of viewing the big picture.

It certainly is an interesting concept, and makes complete sense, at least for what I see in Jacob.
Whether you look at it as a deficit or not, it is still remarkable. And if nothing else it makes me look at myself and think, "What else am I not noticing?" and take a little closer look at life.

A mother's love

I knew when I started a blog that I was opening myself up to criticism and unwanted comments. It's no big surprise that there is a lot of controversial subjects that go along with Autism. Many are adamant about the cause of their child's Autism or Aspergers. Others believe that their course of therapy is the best. While others swear by certain dietary restrictions. But for me, I don't really have strong opinions on any of these subjects. My blog was intended for my thoughts and just tales of our life with Jacob and how his Aspergers affects it, both positively and negatively. My hopes were to connect to others since we were having little to no luck connecting in the "real world", and also just give a glimpse to our family and friends as to what our daily life entails.

And so I was surprised that my first very negative comment struck me so hard. I was even more surprised that this comment came from a young man with Aspergers. He had read my post "Holding my Breath" where I talked about my fears, worries, and the statistics of my baby girl developing an Autism Spectrum Disorder. He wanted to know what was so bad about having a child with Aspergers, and that I could not possibly love my son since I did not love his Aspergers.

I don't feel like I have to fully love Aspergers just as I don't love undesirable traits about anyone. The negatives of Aspergers are things we are helping Jacob work to improve on. No different than anyone working on self improvement. And the positives just need to be put in the right direction and I know that Jacob will do incredible things someday!

Every human being has traits and characteristics that are undesirable. No one is made perfect. I can tell you mine. I am not always patient. Sometimes I am quick to judge. I am definitely a worrier. Meeting new people makes me incredibly nervous and anxious. I know that I can be envious at times. I'm sure there are many other things I could add to this list. But does that mean that my own mother loves me less? No. Or my husband? No. That's what unconditional love is. I'm sure if you asked my husband if he detests that I am impatient at times he would say yes, but he still loves me. Does he have to love my impatience to love me fully? Both of my children have undesirable traits. And that is how I view the negatives of Aspergers, simply as traits of Jacob's that are not desirable and things we can work with him on to improve.

I love the way Jacob appreciates and notices all the little things in this world and opens my eyes to things I normally wouldn't have seen. I love his innocence and his naivety to the world. I love how caring and compassionate he can be at times.  I love his appreciation for and musical abilities. I love how incredibly smart he is and his ability to retain information and remember everything. I love his uniqueness and his interesting sense of humor. I love his creativity and appreciation for animals. But is this truly Aspergers or just who my son is? Couldn't he just be talented? I see all of Jacob's talents and gifts. But I give that credit to him, not to Aspergers.

But of course along with the good comes the bad. I don't love the meltdowns. I don't love his anxiety and fears that paralyze him from doing things that he wants to enjoy. I don't love the way his peers are beginning to notice and inquire about Jacob's quirkiness. I don't love his inability to go with the flow. I don't love his sensitivities to noises. I don't love his running response to fears.

I wouldn't change Jacob for anything in the world. ASPERGERS DOES NOT DEFINE JACOB. He is much more than that. I wish he didn't have to struggle. I wish it was easier for him.  One of the hardest things to witness as a mother is your child struggle or be in pain. The part of Aspergers I don't like is the part that makes my son's life difficult for him. I wish more than anything I could take that part away.

So why would I wish any of that on my baby girl? Jacob wouldn't wish that upon her.

If Jacob had cancer, would I be expected to embrace that, and love his cancer? Would it make sense for me to say, "Oh, I hope my unborn baby has cancer as well?" Of course not! This young man said, that Aspergers was not a disease. Ok...so let's say Jacob was born blind, which would pose many struggles and adaptations. Would anyone in their right mind say, "Oh, I so hope I have another baby that is blind!" Again, of course not! So why, would I WANT Aspergers or another Autism Spectrum Disorder for my baby girl? Obviously if she were on the Spectrum, we would love her to no end, just as we do now. Just as we love her brother. Aspergers is definitely a part of Jacob. My husband and I thoroughly accept that. But Aspergers is not entirely what Jacob is. He is so much more than his Aspergers.

How about looking at it from a logical perspective.

I love my husband.
I do not love golf.
My husband loves golf.
Therefore to love my husband, I must love golf.

Hmm.....that's not going to happen. I tried it once in junior high with my dad, and let's just say it's best I didn't try it again!

So now you are saying, "but golf is a choice. Aspergers is not a choice." Ok...I get that. Let's try this one.

I love my husband.
I do not love Myeloproliferative Blood Disorders.
My husband has a Myeloproliferative Blood Disorder.
Therefore to love my husband, I must love Myeloproliferative Blood Disorders.

Again, not going to happen. Not when it has made him very sick and at some point could end his life. No way can I love that! I could totally do without the countless hours my husband spends at doctor's appointments, lengthy hospital stays, and never ending medical bills!  But he was born with it, just like Aspergers. There was no choice. It affects his daily life, just like Aspergers.

So now the last one.

I love my son Jacob.
I do not love Aspergers.
Jacob has Aspergers.
Therefore to love my son Jacob, I must love Aspergers.

Sorry, just like the previous logic statements, it isn't working for me. They are separate to me. They do not have to go together. So that is my logical take on the arguement.

I never realized that this is such a controversial topic with Autism. I am probably setting myself up for even more criticism. Please just bare in mind that everyone is entitled to their opinion, both yours and mine.  Many agree with this young man that you must embrace Autism or Aspergers to fully love your child.  I'm sorry but I will never LOVE a meltdown my son is having while out in public. Still love my son, just not the meltdown. Which is no different than when my husband leaves his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Love my husband to no end, don't particularly care for this action. Or my baby girl launching her food at dinner completely bypassing the splat mat under her seat and staining my carpet. Love my baby girl, don't love the mess. And of course I get that Jacob's meltdowns are something that he can't control, and obviously my husband can learn where the laundry basket is located.  But in time Jacob will learn to control his meltdowns and his reactions to things. They will lessen. They will never completely go away, but will become manageable. He already has gotten better on many things that used to bother him.

I do not pretend to know what it is like to live with Aspergers. But I do know what it is like to live with a child with Aspergers. I don't have all the answers, nor do I want them. I am not out there actively searching like a mad woman for a quick "cure", but instead accept my son wholly and try to help him when he struggles.

What I do wish for my son is that he knows and learns what true UNCONDITIONAL love is, and that is exactly what his mother feels for him day in and day out. I celebrate his strengths and courage,  but wish the obstacles of Aspergers were not there each day for him.

Learning to say "I Love You, too"

It was about a month ago I realized that every night after kissing Jacob and tucking him in bed, I say the same thing, "Good night, Jacob. I love you." And at the door I always turn and say "Sweet dreams." Typically if Jacob responds it is in protest to going to bed, asking for one last drink of water, or some other stall tactic. Or sometimes he will quietly hum and start reading a book, appearing oblivious to my words. On this night I decide to teach Jacob to respond. I tell him how if someone says "Good night" a proper reply would be to say "Good night" in return. I then tell him that if someone says "I love you", he should reply with "I love you, too", if he indeed loves that person.

It's not that I haven't heard I love you from Jacob. He certainly says it and writes it in every card he ever makes for me. But when I say it to my son, sometimes it is hard to brush off his aloofness about it as if I am discussing the weather. In fact, I typically get a better response if I discuss the weather! I feel petty even writing this as I am so fortunate to hear those words from Jacob. Many parents of children on the Spectrum have never heard "I love you" from their child, let alone the sound of their voice. So I am thankful that Jacob is able to say those words. I cherish them every time I hear them.

It's a hard concept to grasp this love stuff. It is  difficult for Jacob to understand when it is appropriate and when it is not. I can not even tell you how many times I have gotten phone calls or notes home from school because Jacob has kissed little girls at school. When I ask them why, he'll tell me because they asked and he loves them. Hmm...valid point. But it's still not appropriate for school. Teaching those boundaries is a difficult task. He doesn't understand that just because he feels it doesn't mean he should act on it.

Another time as I was walking with Jacob to our car after a baseball game, he puts his arm around his buddy and says, "I love you!" To which the other 6 year old laughed and said, "No, you don't love me!" And Jacob said, "I do love you!" In the car I tried explaining to Jacob that yes, he loved his friend and cared for him, but instead of saying I love you, he could give him a high five, or bump knuckles, or just say, "Hey, I like hanging out with you" or "You're a good friend".

I've read that people with Aspergers are incapable of love. I don't believe that. It is true that emotional concepts are hard for people with Aspergers to understand. Those with Aspergers Syndrome lack the ability to understand and cope with other's feelings and thoughts. And even if there does become understanding, being able to communicate that understanding is difficult. We are still working on Jacob's understanding of love, when it is appropriate, and how to respond to others. He's getting there.

The other day Jacob came home from school with a wrinkled up paper in his backpack. He had made it on a word document at school in computer class. On it were two bright red hearts and a yellow star and words about Love. I read it with tears in my eyes. It was beautiful and heartfelt how my six year old viewed love. After reading it, I asked him what the assignment had been. Were they required to write about love? No, Jacob said, they could write about anything they wanted. Anything? Yes, anything. Wow! My sweet boy had not chosen to write about animals and the zoo as he normally would. He didn't write a list of his favorite baseball players and their stats or positions. He wrote about love. True unconditional love from his heart.

Here it is.

Loves are good to your family
but not your friends.
You can make loves to your family.
I like your loves mommy and daddy.
Have a great day at home mommy and daddy.
I love you so much.
I want to play with you after school.
My mom makes good loves for me.
Have a great day mommy.


So maybe my son has a better understanding than I realize. He definitely feels it in his heart, and he's learning when it is appropriate. Hopefully twenty years from now when that special someone says those words to him, he will know to say "I love you, too" if he indeed feels it in his heart.

Holding my Breath

Everyone says that you shouldn't compare your kids. They are each individuals and develop at their own rate. Each has their own personality, likes and dislikes, yada, yada,  I get it. But when you have a child on the spectrum, it is impossible not to compare your second child. At least for me. I don't compare in a "Oh, look at the baby sister, she is so much smarter than older brother was at that age." Or "Oh, look at the baby sister, she is no where near as bright as her big brother was at that age." My comparisons are out of wonder, fear, and the question of are we going down the same path as before.

The fact is that parents of a child on the Autism Spectrum, have a 1 in 5 chance that their next child will also develop the disorder. The risk is even higher if the second child is a boy. Researchers recommend closely watching younger siblings for signs of Autism, so early intervention could begin as soon as possible. This updated information came out late last summer, when my baby girl was just a little over a year. Just about the same age when it became quite evident that something was different about Jacob.

At the time my baby girl was just starting to walk. I remember reading the article and holding my breath as the wheels in my head turned. You see, Jacob had met all his milestones very early. He talked a ton, he walked early, rolled over early, all but crawling. He actually didn't crawl until he had been walking for 2 months. So naturally when his baby sister wasn't walking until 14 months, I was beginning to become concerned. But before you knew it she was running, and I exhaled and could breathe a little easier.

It was a few months later that I saw her walk on her tip toes for the first time. Again I held my breath. "NO!" I remember thinking. "Please, God, No." So again I naturally compared it to our journey with our son. Were we headed down the same path? Jacob had started walking on his toes at about the same age. But he never stopped. He still toe walks a majority of the time. Thankfully his baby sister does it every once in a while. Again, I could breathe.

There have been many more times I have held my breath over the past year. The first time my baby girl put her hands over her ears and said, "Loud!" in reaction to a sudden noise. Was this her own sensory issues, or was she modeling behavior she had witnessed from her brother? Or maybe it was just loud. Either way, I held my breath and still gasp a little when I see her do this. When she tells me "Owie, foot" and she has a crumb or small piece of paper stuck to the bottom of her foot. Is that touch sensory issues? Or maybe it just legitimately bothers her at the time? Are her wails of "Cars! Coming!" from the backseat of the van motion sensory issues? Or is she just noticing things for the first time now that she is no longer facing backwards? Is it a true fear or anxiety? Or is it possible she has just witnessed her brother get upset about things and has taken on that same tone?

But then I notice the differences. My baby girl plays. Jacob never played. I've watched her play with her little people princess doll pretending to have her fall off the balcony of the castle. I've seen her prepare me a meal and ask me what I want off her pretend menu while playing in her kitchen. And I've caught her snuggling her baby dolls, and pretending to put them to bed. There was no pretend play with Jacob.

And the fact that she already can buckle her own booster seat at the dinner table. I swear I could still to this day put Jacob in there and he would not have any clue as to get out. So her fine motor skills are developing. I see how she holds her crayons, already the correct way and with a firm grasp, where Jacob still has such a light approach to writing and coloring and many times needs reminders to flip his hand to hold his pencil correctly. That's why he always prefers markers.

And everything is "My do it!" Already she is asserting her independence. Jacob was never that way. He still isn't. He still asks for assistance on many things, things that his baby sister is already trying to do on her own. There are many mornings when he asks me to help him with his socks because he can't get them "just right".

But one of the biggest differences is the way she will run up and throw her arms around me. Or in the mornings when I get her out of her crib, she lays her head on my shoulder and just wants to be close to me. Jacob is affectionate, but on his own terms. And even when he is, it is a light touch with me reminding him to hug me tight or to put his arms around me.


Yesterday morning as we were walking back home after dropping Jacob off at school, the garbage truck happened to be right in front of our house. My typical response was to hold my breath, a learned response from years of anticipating meltdowns and waiting for reactions from Jacob. But there wasn't a reaction. My baby girl watched in amazement. There were no hands over the ears. There were no tears. And as the garbage truck pulled away, my sweet baby girl looked at me and said, "Garbage truck. Go?"

And I could breathe again.