Weathering the Storm

I'm anticipating the school calling any minute.

It's storming right now. The sky is dark. Every few seconds there is a clap of thunder and lightening striking. My baby girl sits beside me watching Bubble Guppies unfazed by the constant interruptions of thunder. The wind is beginning to pick up, whipping the swings at the playground behind our house making the chains clang against the metal posts. There have been storms about everyday it seems this past week. But it is the Midwest in Spring, so it is to be expected.

I have a love/hate relationship with the weather. I guess you could say I am fascinated by it. If I had Aspergers, weather would be my obsession. During tornado season, there is nothing I want to do more than sit and watch the weather play out on the Weather Channel. I know, boring. Tornadoes intrigue me. My friends always joke that you could call me at any time of day or night and I could tell you the forecast. Maybe I missed my calling. But despite my slight obsession, I am terrified by it all. I wouldn't dream of showering during a lightening storm. Snow forecasted, and I don't venture too far from home. Tornadoes, and I begin stacking blankets in our basement and finding everyone's shoes. I've never wanted to project my fear of the weather on Jacob, so I have always been careful to make him oblivious. And for the most part, storms have never bothered him. He had never even inquired about them.

That is until this past week.

All of a sudden, Jacob is scared of storms. Terrified to the point where he panics beyond any reasoning. When I ask him about it, he claims he has always been scared, and it is nothing new. I beg to differ. While other kids would be afraid, Jacob was calm. With his fear of loud noises, even I thought it was odd that he wasn't bothered by storms, but he remained unrattled.

So I've been trying to process this whole new fear. The last few months have been anxiety ridden for Jacob with new fears popping up all the time. It's hard for my to decipher is the fear really what is bothering him? Since so many new fears keep happening, is he displacing whatever is really bothering him onto what could potentially be threatening at the time? His anxiety always gets worse at night, so is it possible that the fear is actually a fear of being alone and separating from us? Or maybe he is simply wanting that reassurance from us that everything is ok, and so he begins to outwardly panic to get whatever comfort he is needing. I really do not know.

What I do know is this fear is much harder and different than the others. Why? With the other fears we can talk him down from the ledge if you will. Calm him some. Help him get "unstuck" and think about something else. Sometimes all it takes is a little baseball talk. But thunderstorms are relentless. They keep coming and coming, making the anxiety and fear grow with each loud clap. And then just as we get him to a better place, another loud clap strikes.

The other night was particularly bad. The storm was very loud and Jacob was shaking uncontrollably. He began crying out to God, "Why are you doing this to me, God?" as the tears rolled down his face. Those are hard words to hear your six year old cry out. Words that many times I have had to force myself not to let surface. "Yes, God, why are you doing this? Why does my son have to be so afraid? Why does he have to have such paralyzing anxiety? Why? Why?" But I try not to let myself go there.

The storm has passed with no call from the school. Tonight's forecast shows a 40% chance of thunderstorms at 5:00, with the next five days clear and not a chance of storms until Sunday. Until then, we will keep on weathering the storms as they come, knowing this too will pass.