Taking off my Mask

I wanted to share this because I love it so much.

We have been there. For years I felt like we wore a mask, keeping Jacob's "problems" to ourselves. Our family knew. Our close friends knew. But aside from that, it was kept pretty quiet. Not that we were ashamed. At the time we just didn't know what it was, and when you are repetitively told your son is fine, you tend to believe it. 

I am constantly on the lookout for others wearing masks. I find myself doing it a lot when we are out. I'll scan the crowd, looking for kids doing something that reminds me of Jacob. Or if we are out where there is a large gathering of kids and families, I look around wondering who else is one of the "1 in 88", wishing there was a way to connect us somehow. Hear their story. Compare. Find out what works for them, and what doesn't. And if nothing else, feel accepted without judgment. But it's hard when many people fighting the same battle as us are still wearing their masks. 

I vividly remember wanting to reach out to another mother last Christmas season, but I just didn't know how. I was waiting in an incredibly long line at Old Navy when suddenly a young boy probably about age 9 or 10, was standing inches from my back. I turned to see him smiling and he said "hi" to which I replied "hi" as well. The mother quickly apologized, and I brushed the apology aside telling her it was fine. As we waited in line, so much of this young boy seemed familiar. The way he laid on the floor, and his mom had to continually remind him to get up. They way he constantly was in motion. The way he invaded my personal space along with others. By the conversations he had with his mother, I could tell he was very bright. But as he spoke, his eyes were fixed anywhere but on her face. His voice somewhat monotone. And then looking at the mom, I could see the look of exhaustion, yet the over-exaggerated smile on her face for the sake of her children. It was like looking in a mirror. How I wanted to reach out. To say, "I understand. I live it everyday, too". But how could I? And what if I was wrong? 

I remember the first time someone I barely knew at the time assumed Jacob had Autism. I was very much in denial and had on a "mask". So when this stranger flat out asked me if my son had Autism, I was completely taken aback and mad. Actually I was beyond mad. "How dare she! As if there is anything WRONG with my son!" I remember thinking. I quickly replied no and ended the conversation quickly. But looking back, I wish I would have responded differently knowing what I know now. Maybe she was reaching out as well. Maybe she needed that connection as she had the same thoughts about her own child. Yet, I brushed her aside fearful of my child being labeled.

It took some time for me to realize that it was ok to take that mask off. For a while it was still there as security as we slowly told people about Jacob's diagnosis. But once it came off, what a relief to finally just be open and honest about it all. To come to a place of acceptance and understanding that there wasn't anything "wrong" with my son, just different.

The best thing about removing our masks, has been finding a support group where others freely talk about the day in and day out struggles with their child. There are no masks there. It is amazing to me how comfortable it feels after only three meetings. It is so familiar as if I have known these people forever. And each time I leave feeling lifted up and inspired with a new found energy to take on whatever is put before us. 

I think about that mom often. The one at Old Navy. Maybe I was wrong about her son. But my gut tells me I was spot on. I hope she has her own place where she can be herself, free of any masks.