Zip it!

Last week while at a kid's clothing consignment sale, I found a baseball jersey of Jacob's favorite team with one of his favorite players on the back in his size. I quickly snatched it up paying no attention to the price. I knew he would love it and was thrilled that I would be bringing him home something he would be excited about. So when I got home, I told Jacob I had a surprise for him. Excited, he closed his eyes and said, "Ohhhhh, I wonder what it can be!" That's when I knew I should have just washed it and hung it in his  closet. Any type of build up like this usually leads to some kind of disappointment. He opened his eyes and I showed him what I had found. "I already have one," he replied. I could tell he was wavering between disappointment and anger. "But Jacob you don't have one. You have a sweatshirt with his name, but this is a jersey," I said explaining the difference. "It doesn't matter," he told me. "I already have one with his name, and you should have known that!"

I should have known it. But I didn't. I never know for sure how Jacob will react to things. I thought he would love it, but instead I had a disappointed boy right before bedtime. Great. My husband stepped in at this point and told Jacob he was being rude and that he needed to apologize. He went on to explain to Jacob about the importance of accepting a gift graciously, all things we have talked about in detail many times. Jacob did apologize. But the tone was already set. I admit I was disappointed as well. Mainly just because I thought I had found something that would make my son's night, but instead had upset him.

You see, it wasn't Jacob being rude. He was just being honest. He had no idea that saying to someone that you already own something when presented with a gift is not polite. Every parent struggles to teach kids how to be polite, but for kids with Aspergers it is a daily struggle. To the outsider it appears that Jacob is just being rude or blunt, but I know that he is just stating facts. Jacob says what he is thinking with no social filter to decipher if it is impolite. Sometimes it is refreshing, sometimes it is hurtful, and sometimes it is embarrassing. It is a hard thing to teach someone as to when their comments may be welcomed or when they could be received negatively. How do you teach someone that brutal honesty is not a welcomed social trait and is instead a deficit?

Even though I know this about my son, it doesn't make some of his remarks any less hurtful. I vividly remember the day he said to his aunt while in my presence, "I wish you were my mommy." At the time Jacob was only four and undiagnosed. I was eight months big and pregnant, sick with bronchitis, and every bit hormonal. My husband had been in the hospital for an extensive stay while having his spleen removed. (a whole different story that my husband LOVES to share!) It was probably one of our more challenging times in our lives. I was struggling to hold it together and my brother's family had graciously came down to help out. Upon their leaving, Jacob said those words to his aunt. It stung. I know he didn't mean it. Obviously an aunt coming to visit gets to spend a lot of undivided attention to a little boy, and especially during a very difficult time when mommy was dog tired and spending countless hours on the phone.

There have been many times like that, and not only to me or my husband. He is an equal opportunity guy saying just as many "rude" things to friends, family, and strangers. At age two he would yell "Stop looking at me!" to anyone smiling at him. How do you explain that one to the Target cashier as you are trying to quickly pay as he continues to yell it over and over?

I worry about the effect it will have on friendships as he grows. Right now his friends are pretty forgiving, or things he says goes unnoticed. A classic example is every time his grandparents are visiting and Jacob sees one of his neighbor friends outside, he will open our front door and yell out to them, "I can't play! My grandparents are here!" even if these kids aren't inquiring as to if he can come out. Or if one of our neighbor friends happens to come over while we have company, Jacob will simply tell them to leave because he can't play. No greeting. No casual, "Hey it's not a good time." Just nothing short of letting the door kick them you know where. Not exactly a positive trait, I know.

If Jacob sees someone breaking the rules, he is quick to point it out. It doesn't matter if he knows that person or not, and especially if it is another kid. The other morning while walking to school he told his friend to stop riding his scooter on the side of the road. The funny thing is many times the kids will listen. I've tried explaining to Jacob that people do not like to be around someone who is constantly correcting them or telling them what they are doing wrong.

But there is some good to it. It is often said that people with Aspergers are incapable of lying. Some would argue that point and say that lying and Aspergers have nothing to do with each other. Others would say that if they do lie, it is because they are seeing the situation differently, and therefore it is not a true lie, but wishful thinking on their part as to how they would like the event to have taken place. Still others would say that Aspies may be capable of lying, but are reluctant to do so and typically have a general inclination toward honesty.

For the most part Jacob is not a liar. And if he does, he is certainly not good at it! He tattles a lot on other kids, which is not the best trait, but I know that he is generally speaking the truth. He just doesn't have it in him to make something up about someone. If and when he lies, it is usually about himself. Like if we ask him if he washed his hands after using the bathroom he will tell us yes, but when I ask for the mommy hand sniff test, he quickly says he forgot and runs into the bathroom.

I remember when he was little and I was baking cookies. I had told him he could have two. He ate his two but kept insisting on more. I kept my word. Two. Surprisingly that was it, and no fight, and Jacob went on to play. I continued my baking, but it didn't take long for Jacob to return. "Mommy?" "Yes, Jacob." "I ate two more cookies," he told me. Perplexed as I had not seen him eat any I asked when. "Just now. I took them and ran in your bedroom closet and ate them." It made me laugh. The vision of him standing in my closet stuffing his mouth with sugar cookies cracked me up. He easily could have gotten away with it as I had no idea, but he had to tell me. That's my Jacob.

I do remember one morning when Jacob lied and it took me a while to catch on. Every morning our neighbor boy comes over and walks to school with us. Typically the last few moments before we walk out the door are Jacob and him disagreeing on which TV show they should watch. Normally getting Jacob to come up to brush his teeth during this time is nearly impossible as he doesn't want to risk giving up the remote. But on this particular morning, he came up the first time I asked and kindly handed the remote over to his friend saying, "Here you go.Turn it to whatever you want." "Wow," I remember thinking. "My son is growing up. What a kind thing to do." It had totally caught me off guard and our neighbor boy as well. Jacob went in to brush his teeth, and once he returned he said to his friend, "How's that working out for you?" To which our neighbor boy said, "It's not working!" I shuffled both boys quickly out the door and we began our walk to school. It wasn't until after I had left the boys at school that I realized Jacob had given his friend the old remote with no batteries in it that we kept for his baby sister to play with. What a stinker!

So I am grateful that I do not have a lying problem to contend with. My son typically tells the truth whether people like it or not. Sometimes it does sting, sometimes it makes us laugh. More than anything I do hope he learns some discernment. As a child it can be easily brushed aside as the innocence and honesty that goes with adolescence. I hope in time he learns that not every thought that crosses his mind needs to be said. Not every wrong he sees has to be corrected. And if he does feel he has to speak his mind constantly, it can be done tactfully.

"Whoever guards his mouth and his tongue keeps his soul from troubles." Proverbs 21:23

"Even the foolish man, when he keeps quiet, is taken to be wise: when his lips are shut he is credited with good sense." Proverbs 17:28

The other morning Jacob came out of his room after dressing for the day and told me, "Mommy, I didn't want to wear the clothes you laid out." "That's fine, honey," I replied while finishing the breakfast dishes. I heard him bound down the stairs to the living room and I turned to see his favorite player's number on his new jersey. The jersey I had so lovingly found.