My son has separation anxiety. If you have a child with it, you don't need to read any more. You live it, you get it completely. If you don't, I am guessing you are thinking that he gets upset and cries when I leave him.
Yes, you are correct. But it is soooo much more.
We are close, my son and I. When I say close, I don't just mean a close maternal bond. My son is physically touching me most of the day. There is no personal space for me. My space is Jacob's space.
Every morning at around 6:30, I am woken up by one of the sweetest little boys. He climbs into bed beside me, and says, "Good morning, Mommy." Sometimes he kisses me. Sometimes he simply turns on the TV. But always, no matter how far apart we start out, he eventually is touching some part of my body. His little toes will inch over until they are touching my leg. Or somehow we will suddenly be sharing a pillow with his warm breath on my cheek.
I get out of bed knowing I must take a quick shower before the baby sister wakes up. I tell Jacob the same thing every morning. "Jacob, I'm going to be in the shower. Where am I going to be?" to which he answers, "In the shower." No sooner do I get the water started and step in, and there is Jacob "checking" to see where I am or asking some kind of question. Only a few minutes have passed and already he is searching me out.
The day proceeds like this. Wherever I go in the house, Jacob is right on my heels. If I go into the kitchen to make breakfast, he quickly follows. And usually his baby sister is trotting right behind. Go downstairs to the basement to do the laundry? Jacob follows me down and then back up after I finish. Use the restroom without an audience? Unheard of! Even if I lock the door, he is waiting outside or knocking on the door, "Mommy, are you in there?" Sad to say, there are some days I want to not answer just for a moment to myself.
But if he doesn't know where I am, he goes into a panic. One day while he was watching TV with his sister, I told him, "Jacob, I am going to go outside and get the mail." Our mailbox is just across the street, and only takes a minute to get. As I opened the front door returning, I heard his feet running the length of the hallway and him yelling for me. "Jacob, I'm right here," I said as I entered the door. "Oh, I was worried you were dead!" he tells me with a big sigh. Now why would that be your first thought?
Oh, we've tried giving him rewards for playing in his room alone. We've set timers, done sticker charts with great prizes for a few precious moments alone. It works somewhat. I guess it depends on what your definition of success is. If it is Jacob laying in the frame of his door sprawled into the hallway asking if the five minutes is up yet, then yes, it is a success.
There is no playing on his own, unless it involves electronics or chasing his baby sister up and down the hallway. Playing alone to him is a punishment. It's always been this way. We are his entertainment committee day in and day out. It gets exhausting. There is no luxury of our child going into his room on his own to play giving us a clear mind to catch up on daily chores or just take a five minute cat nap. The only time I have for myself is after 9:00 pm once the kids are in bed. Even then when I tuck Jacob snugly into his bed, he wants to know where I will be located in the house. The other night we were cleaning out the garage after we had put the kids to bed. Jacob refused to go to bed and instead sat in the living room until 11:00 despite how tired he was, just so he could be closer to us.
Oh, you might be saying, "But isn't that part of parenting?" I get that. Yes, becoming a parent is self sacrificing of your time and energy. But I'm talking about 100% of my time. Every minute of my day Jacob is a part of, right beside me, needing help with something, wanting something, asking something, or just simply wanting to be near me.
And trust me, it is not that he is lacking for attention. My husband and I play plenty with him. If it was up to me, I would play all day. But the reality of life is that there is work to be done, bills to be paid, dishes to be washed, dinners to be made, all of which gets done with Jacob right by my side.
Moments alone are precious. My husband and I try to give each other needed breaks. Time alone together is about impossible unless Jacob feels comfortable with whom he is staying. Even just having a minute alone with my husband to talk about something important is impossible without Jacob interrupting or being in the room.
Things that other kids enjoy are a nightmare for Jacob. Summer camp? No way is he staying without me. Swim lessons? Again, not going to do it.
But his psychiatrist says he needs to do these things. I get that, and I agree. I also know how hard it is to pry him away from me with a two year old in tow and no one on the receiving end who understands the circumstances. At school they at least "get" that part about Jacob. If they see he is struggling and not wanting to disconnect from me, someone steps in and will physically pull him away from me toward the door. I hate leaving him like that, but I know it is for his own good. But when the person on the receiving end is just a random person unaware of Jacob's separation anxiety, I am at it alone and sometimes it is about impossible.
Last summer at our health club, Jacob didn't want to stay in the kid room despite their own basketball court, Wii games, and huge playground. So what did he do? Opened the door and ran down the hall to find me. They had no idea he had left. He hasn't been back since.
I've learned in the last year to hand him off to someone and fill them in on Jacob and what he is capable of doing. It makes it easier on him if he connects with another adult. And it makes it easier on me prying him away from my leg.
It's been a hard week at our house. Although I miss my son terribly while he is at school each day, I see how important it is for him to have that time away from me. And how important it is for me! When you have someone physically touching you all day long, following your every move, and all the while talking your ear off, you just want your own space and your own thoughts if only for a minute.
Jacob tells me he is going to live at home forever because he never wants to leave me. I'm starting to believe that it could be true. But who knows what the future brings. Maybe the tides will turn once he becomes a teenager and he no longer will want to be close to his mom. Maybe he will shut himself up in his room alone, tuning the rest of the family out typical of every other teenager in America.
So as hard as it is, for now I must embrace it. He won't be little forever.
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