Make new friends, but keep the old...

"Mommy, Guess what? J is coming over after school today!"

That's how I was greeted on Tuesday when I picked up my son. I knew nothing of J, nor did I know anything about him coming over after school. Nor was I really in the mood as I was incredibly tired and a little cranky. I knew to tread lightly as we have had this conversation many times over the past few years. And more often than not the friend knows nothing about the "playdate" Jacob has arranged.

"Jacob, I'll have to talk to J's mom to see if that is ok. Maybe he could come over tomorrow," I reply.

"But mommmmmmm....J said it was ok!"

"I don't even know who J is, Jacob."

"Yes, you do mommy. He's my best friend."

I start maneuvering Jacob toward the car and as we get closer, he yells out, "There he is! J are you coming to my house?"

Ahh....I do know J. He is our new neighbor boy. I just hadn't put it all together. I look toward this new boy curious as to his response. Is he turned off by my overly excited son? J keeps walking and just as I think he is blowing Jacob off, he nods his head yes.

But there are errands to be ran. A quick trip to the grocery store, and a drive through the bank. Jacob wants nothing to do with it. Somehow I convince him that J will be waiting for us when we return home. He's our neighbor. He has to turn up sometime, right?

No sooner do I pull in the drive way, and Jacob is out the door yelling, "J...J...where are you?" He turns to me and says, "Mom, he's not here." He opens the front door to our house and proceeds again to yell out J's name as if the boy would be waiting alone in our new home.

I wrangle up the baby girl and my groceries and head inside, but before I can say a word, Jacob is out the door sprinting over to J's house. With my arms full, I have two choices. I can drop everything and insist he come back, or let him go. I am too tired for the fight, and I figure he will return if J is not wanting to play.

It's a nerve racking time right now for me. I worry so much about Jacob at his new school and making friends. There are so many boys on our block all about the same age. They are a tight group, you can tell. And much more worldly than my naive son who still is content with watching the same television shows as his two year old baby sister. Will these new boys accept my son? Will they be patient and forgiving? Only time will tell.

It doesn't take long for the front door to open. It is Jacob with J close behind, as well as the other neighbor boy. They run in the front door in such a flurry of activity, heading down to the basement without hesitation. They are loud. Very loud! As I listen, I realize it is Jacob who is being the loudest. He's anxious, excited, and nervous, wanting these boys to like him. My heart aches for him as I can feel his need for acceptance into this group. At the same time I am elated that my son is so wanting of these friendships.

Many times when you read about people with Aspergers, you read how they are loners, preferring to be by themselves. I can't speak for all, but with Jacob nothing could be further from the truth. He wants nothing more than to form those friendships. To have that closeness that only a true friend can bring. He just has no idea how to do it. Typically he comes on too strong too fast, becoming obsessed with the person.

As I listen to the boys playing basketball in the basement, I can tell that is the case. I anticipate his new found friends wanting to leave, possibly annoyed by Jacob. Yet they continue to play with no fighting or arguing.

A little later, the three boys ascend the stairs. The one asks Jacob where his bedroom is, and they go bounding up the stairs. That's when I hear Jacob say, "This really isn't my bedroom. My room is in the basement."

"Oh yes, Jacob. You are waaaaay too cool to have a bedroom UPSTAIRS," I think to myself as I stifle a laugh.

The night continues with Jacob and his new buddies coming and going over and over, sometimes adding new friends along the way. It is a crazy night and Jacob is bouncing off the walls with excitement as he runs from house to house. It takes a while to calm him down at the end of the night.

The next day, as I am waiting to pick up Jacob from school, I know that I will be faced with the same crazy almost manic excitement from Jacob. Sure enough, the first thing he says to me when he exits the building is, "Can J come over and play?" "We'll see," I tell him, as I try to listen to his teacher fill me in on his day, a day that sounds like Jacob has been running on full speed.

Again as we pull in our driveway, Jacob bounds out the door adamant he is going over to a friend's house. Some how I convince him to come in and have a snack first and see his dad and sister. But it is short lived, and he is out the door.

It doesn't take long before he returns. Apparently he was running from room to room in their house, and the neighbor boys asked him to leave. Realizing he left his shoes, Jacob sprints back over and quickly returns. He proceeds to tell us that the neighbor boy said it was "ok" that he had been running all over the house after Jacob apologized.

That's a tough one for us. We've tried explaining to Jacob that when someone says ok after he apologizes, they are not saying it is ok for him to continue the behavior. But that's all it took and Jacob was insisting this meant he could go back over and play. I decided to walk over with him and hear first hand what had taken place.

Before Jacob could just run into the house, I insisted he knock. Together we stood outside the door, my son waiting as patiently as he could hopeful for an invite inside. He knocked again, and this time I heard running inside. Jacob heard it, too. "They're coming!" he said. But the door never opened. Jacob knocked again, and again I heard the sound of footsteps scrambling, but no door opening.

"Jacob, let's head home," I said gently.

"Mom, they are coming. They want to play with me," he replied.

My heart ached for my son. I knew what was happening behind the door. But no gentle prodding could make Jacob budge. Instead he now had changed courses, believing that the boys must instead be at another house.

"Jacob, just come home."

After getting Jacob inside, he started screaming and running around the house having a huge fit, something we hadn't seen in months. He was mad at my husband and me, not wanting to believe that his new best friends didn't want him to join them. I tried explaining how these boys have been friends for a while, and probably just wanted to spend time alone together like they used to. But no matter what my husband or I said, Jacob just became more and more enraged. He tried fleeing out the front door. He slammed doors. He threw his shoes. He yelled, and yelled, and yelled.

"Jacob, are you ok?" my sweet baby girl asked in her squeaky little voice. "NO!" he yelled back. Scared from seeing her older brother this upset, the baby girl begins to cry as well. I hate that she witnesses these things no matter how much we try to shield her. I was on the verge of tears myself, and I could tell by my husband's expression, he too was feeling beat down.

My husband got Jacob calmed down, redirecting him to a project of finding pictures online of all his favorite baseball players. Jacob's fits are exhausting for everyone.

As I made dinner, listening to the familiar "eeeee" sound of Jacob concentrating on the computer, I found myself longing for the comfort and quiet of our old neighborhood. Longing for Jacob's old neighborhood friends who knew all his quirks. Our adult friends who have seen Jacob through all his good and bad. The comfort of knowing it doesn't matter how my son acts, because they all know where we have been and how far we have come.

With that being said, I know what must happen. We have to fill in the new neighbors about our son. I don't blame the boys one bit for not wanting to come to the door. Jacob is not exactly an easy playmate. But hopefully by cluing in the parents, it will help guide any conversations they have with their kids about our son.

I know that no matter what, Jacob will be fine. He's a sweet and loving boy. And even if these "new best friends" are not here for the long haul, Jacob will find his own place to settle in.

And as I go to bed, that old familiar Girl Scout song enters my head.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."