He Yells?

"So is Jacob special needs?"

I was taken aback. I'd never been out and out asked by anyone like that about my son. And I had especially never been asked by a child.

My husband and I were at our church for their parent's night out program that we participate in. It's a coop program, and it was our night to "babysit" instead of having a date night, so there we were with a room full of sixteen kids over the age of seven, with most of them being loud, giggling, screeching, girls.

Having only a three year old little girl, I am obviously not used to being around a room full of girls that age. Immediately I put a craft table into the works to diffuse some of the shrieky high squealing. All was good. My husband was entertaining half of the classroom by acting goofy, all the while helping Jacob create his own Twister game by piecing together colored circles on notebook paper since the mat had been misplaced. I had a table full of girls quietly making their own creation with hearts and rainbows galore. We had the situation under control. And that's when one of the older girls sitting across from me asked me the question.

I didn't know how to answer, I was so caught off guard. I realized as I looked up from my own glittery heart creation that the entire table of girls was staring at me quietly waiting for my answer.

"Well.....why do you ask?" I finally stammered out.

The girl instantly responded by saying, "I don't know. I just figured he was."

The rest of the table continued to stare. I was hesitant to answer. Although the girl inquiring barely knew Jacob and was only around him during this time once a month, many of the other girls knew Jacob much better and were closer to his age.

I mumbled something quietly saying we would talk later, hoping to get her alone at some point. But then I thought about it. Hadn't I always said that I wanted to teach others about Autism? Hadn't I always said that I wanted to educate EVERYONE to create acceptance and understanding? I had to be honest, and it was a great place to start.

By this point all the other girls were back to their stickers and glitter. The older girl was rambling on about how she enjoys "special needs kids" so much. They're so nice, so funny, yada yada.

"He has Aspergers," I said. "Jacob has Aspergers." not caring that she was still talking about her love for "special needs kids".

She heard me and stopped mid sentence and said, "Huh? What's that?"

"Have you ever heard of Autism? It's like that. Jacob has Autism," I replied.

"Oh yeah! I know what Autism is. That's when they are not very smart. So Jacob isn't very smart?"

Wow...this is what a twelve year old thinks of Autism? I figured when I said Autism she would have heard of it. It's a fairly common word nowadays, and an even more common diagnosis anymore. But "not smart"? And could she be any louder? The last thing I want is Jacob hearing his name and walking into the middle of this conversation. He wouldn't take too kindly to someone saying he wasn't smart. I looked over at Jacob taping his colored circles to the floor oblivious to the chaos of kids running circles around him.

"Actually Jacob is very smart," I told her. "Probably smarter than you, smarter than me, smarter than anyone in this room tonight." I wasn't bragging my son up to this girl. Nor was I saying it in a "my son's smarter than you are, na na na na na" way.  I just needed for her to know the truth about Autism. That it has nothing to do with "smarts". I went on to tell her in simple terms about Autism. That Jacob gets easily overwhelmed. That things bother him. That he likes things a certain way. That he gets nervous. That he doesn't always know how to act or what to say.

"Ohhhhhh....so that's why he yells at us! That makes sense!" she replied after soaking in all the information I gave her. Again, could she be any louder?

"He yells?" I asked. But the girl had moved on. She was now stringing bracelets for all the younger girls around her and had a captive audience. She either didn't hear me, or chose not to answer.

He yells.

My son yells and that's what his peers see and think of him.

I guess in my mind I had envisioned those nights where we dropped him and the baby sister off at church and my husband and I went out for a much needed 3 hours of quiet, much differently. I always ask Jacob about his night, and he always has plenty to share. I also make a point to ask the parent in the room about the evening, and always hear there were no problems. Sure more often than not Jacob decides to play a game or read a book versus watching the movie with his peers, but never has there been a mention of yelling.

I've known for a while it is coming. The day when we need to tell Jacob of his diagnosis, beyond what he already thinks. Jacob knows that he has things that bother him. He knows he takes medicine for those bothers. Jacob knows that there is a para in the classroom that usually helps him, but he doesn't realize that they are ONLY there for Jacob. He thinks he just happens to need help the most. Jacob knows that his brain sometimes thinks differently, but he thinks that is only because he is super smart.

I don't want there to be any shame for Jacob regarding his Aspergers diagnosis. Nor do I want him to ever use it as a crutch. And I certainly don't want him to think he is less because of his diagnosis. So I hope when the time comes to officially tell him, he can find his own strength and his own acceptance.

But for now I have to prepare myself because if this girl sees it, then most likely all his peers are starting to see it. Next time I won't be caught off guard.

Because let's be honest. Yes, my son has special needs. And yes, he yells.

Although, I still don't think he could ever yell as loud as a room full of preteen girls.