Let Me Share this Whole New World with You

As I look around for Jacob, I find him engaging in conversation the bored teenager running the bumper cars at the indoor Family Fun Center. As I get closer, I hear Jacob ask, "So what does this ride do?"

I can tell the teenager is not in the mood to chat, so before he can reply, I say, "Jacob, come on. Let's go."

"No, Mommy, I got this."

I got this? Does he seriously want to know what the bumper cars do?

I listen as the teenage boy describes to Jacob how the ride works. 

"I want to try it," Jacob says calmly. 

Really? What? Again...really? 

"OK," I hear from behind me. It is my husband, and he is quickly getting out our card loaded with credits and ushering Jacob through the gate. My husband has been waiting for moments like this forever. I'm still somewhat in shock and processing the entire thing, as I witness Jacob getting into the bumper car as the teenage boy straps him in. My husband quickly gets in his own car, so there is no time for anyone to change their minds.

Gulp! Am I ready for this? 

My head is flooded with thoughts as the operator begins the ride. Did he strap Jacob in correctly? Does Jacob even know how to operate it? Oh, please don't let Jacob get upset. Is it going to go too fast? What if he gets hit too hard? 

As the cars begin to move, I am thankful it is just Jacob and his dad on the bumper car floor. They are headed right for each other, and I hold my breath as they bump each other for the first time. 

And there it is. Not the flood of tears we would have seen before, but instead a huge grin from ear to ear as Jacob puts his car in reverse preparing for the second hit. 

Three months ago we had wanted to take Jacob here. At the time my husband prepped him by bringing it up online so Jacob could look at pictures, giving him an idea of what to expect. We never made it. Jacob got so upset that day just at the thought of going to the family fun center. The pictures alone had been enough to send him into a shear panic. The promises of treats and unlimited games, made no impact. He was too terrified to go. It didn't matter that we said we would stay home. He cried. He screamed. He kicked. He hit. All at just the thought of going to something that should have been enjoyable. It stuck with him, and for days he kept bringing it up and getting upset. 

So when my husband brought it up the other day wanting to try again, I was hesitant. I knew Jacob had come along way since starting on his anti-anxiety medicine in May. But was he ready for this? 

But maybe the question should really be, am I ready for this?

For seven years my son has been attached to my hip, the timid child not wanting to try new things. Over the years I've watched him be the quiet observer of his peers as they tried "normal" childhood activities. I've seen him spiral out of control, getting upset over the smallest new situation. I've watched him cover his ears from loud unexpected noises more times than I can count. And I've sprinted after him when he flees out of fear. I've prodded him. I have gently pushed. And usually our attempts are met with resistance. 

But I've never seen Jacob take the lead and just decide on his own to try something new. It was exciting to witness and at the same time a little scary for me. I've wanted this moment for so long. And now it is here facing me. And as any mother, when your child ventures out on their own showing their independence, you deeply want to pull back holding on forever to that innocence, but you know you can't as it is the best thing for them.

The doctor had said that by mid July it would be a good indicator of how Jacob was responding to the medicine. In the past month Jacob has gone to numerous major league baseball games. He has rode on a jet ski (with an adult of course!). He's gone swimming in a lake and camping. He has gone to a crowded festival. He's been on a school bus. He's watched fireworks on more than one occasion. All things that before would have brought on huge anxiety and panic, and he did them calmly and willingly.

When Jacob exited the bumper cars, he was beaming. "Mommy, mommy, I want to do it again!" he yelled. "This time with you!" How could I say no to that?  As we waited for the ride to begin, I looked over at my sweet son and smiled. He smiled back from ear to ear. As we bumped into each other, I'm not sure whose grin was bigger. 

It truly is a whole new world for Jacob. So many new things to experience. And I can't wait to show it all to him.

"A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be...

Let me share this whole new world with you"

Just thinking about all the things that Jacob may experience brings tears to my eyes. Many things that I wasn't sure he would ever be able to do. If someone would have told me even three months ago that my son would be riding on the bumper cars, I wouldn't have believed them. He truly has 'come so far'.

Later that night as we walked out to our van to head home, Jacob announced to my husband and me, "Next time I want to ride the go-carts!"

What!!!!