A Bowl of Alphabet Soup: What's One More Diagnosis?

Well, it's official. We got the Triple A diagnosis.

AAA= Autism Spectrum Disorder/Aspergers, Anxiety, and ADHD

While we're at it we might as well add the others in. Sensory Processing Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Exotropia. There that sums it up.

My son has ASD/ADHD/SPD/OCD/Anxiety/ Exotropia.

Hmm..Jacob is beginning to sound like a cup of alphabet soup with all these letters floating around.

Sunday night once the kids were in bed, my husband and I spent the evening each filling out individual evaluation forms on Jacob. If you've ever done this, you know how difficult it can be. It is emotionally taxing. It really forces you to look at the reality of how your child appears to others. There are no questions like, "Does your child love to snuggle?" or "Does your child like to laugh and giggle?" or "Does your child bring you joy and happiness?"

No, it's very clinical. And no matter how hard you try to not let your emotions get involved, it's hard to separate it all.

It really weighs heavy on your heart with questions like "My child acts strangely...Never, Sometimes, Often, or Always."

Circling "Always" was hard.

But even harder was reading the answers provided by Jacob's teacher. Somehow I was living in some magical land where at school Jacob acted appropriately and "normal" just like his classmates. Of course I'm not delusional. Deep down I know that Jacob's day at school resembles his day at home. He paces, he hums, he talks out of turn, he invades personal space, he laughs inappropriately, he touches everything, he never stops talking, he lays on the floor, he jumps, he dances, he sings, he never stops moving, he babbles, he picks at his fingers, he picks at his lip, he flips his shoes on and off, he makes silly faces to get a laugh, he talks about inappropriate things, he fidgets, he claps, he interrupts, he stares blankly, he talks to himself. He doesn't fit in.

So of course he acts strangely at school. I had just hoped otherwise. It was no big shock that his teacher also had circled "Always".

Then there are the friend questions.

"Your child makes friends easily."  This question I felt needed an asterisk * with "Please see attached sheet".  First pick the sentence apart. "Makes" sometimes. "Keeps" no. Sure Jacob makes friends easily. When we go to the park, he is always approaching the other kids there and inventing something for them to play, some kind of game or pretend play. He really is good at approaching other kids. And usually it is fairly well received. Younger kids always do well with Jacob and jump right in. Kids his own age, it depends. Older kids sometimes surprise me and welcome playing with him while some just look at my son like he is from a different planet. Even at school, Jacob is right there at recess playing with all the other kids. It's not like he is off on his own doing his own thing. Oh, no. He is right there in the thick of it helping orchestrate each kickball game.

If you were to ask Jacob he would say he is friends with everyone in his class. He'll refer to people he just met as his "friend". It could be a one year old or an adult, or the cashier at the grocery store if they give him enough attention. But Jacob has no idea when that friendship is not reciprocated. Or that someone simply talking to you does not make them your lifelong friend.

I know Jacob is friendly. I'm always telling him that people will like him if he has a smile on his face and says "hello". His teacher has confirmed that and said that Jacob always has a positive attitude. Just picking him up from school validates that for me, as kids from all grade levels are yelling "hellos" to him as we walk to our van to leave school.

But being friendly and having friends are different. Does he have friends? Maybe. Does he get invited over for playdates? No. Are other kids wanting to spend time with Jacob outside of school? Not really.

So the friends questions are hard to answer.

Some of the others are no-brainers. "Does your child seem to be driven by a motor?" Always. "Does your child vomit? Have fevers?" Really...don't they all? "Does your child worry?" Somewhere between sometimes and often, where a year ago it would have been Always. Wow, we've come so far.

But one of the hardest questions for me was "Does your child seem out of touch with reality". Where is "Depends on the day" for an answer?

Jacob's a smart kid. He knows a lot of facts. He remembers everything and notices everything. Is he out of touch with reality. Probably. That's a hard thing to say about your own child. But yes, it's probably the truth. A perfect example is sometimes he will talk to me about some cartoon character on tv as if he knows them personally. The other day he asked me where Team Umizoomi lived. And then we had the conversation about how they aren't real. It's just a tv show. And right when I think we have gotten somewhere he'll say, "But the Fresh Beat Band is real, right? Because you can go to their concert". hmm....we have so far to go.

Lately Jacob is all about recording everything. He wants a video camera so he can record and make his own baseball videos. But just because he doesn't have one, that doesn't stop him. With his foam bat and ball in hand, he is often found in the living room making a video in his head. "Stop. Delete." "Stop. Delete." he says over and over. He'd go on and on for hours if I would let him. "Stop. Delete." I've talked with him how life is not a video. You can't delete it. He doesn't get it. Instead he makes his video in his brain and if it doesn't turn out how he wants, he deletes it.

I hate that I even have to answer that question about my son. I labored over it for the longest time unsure. After much thought I came to the conclusion of "Often."

His teacher chose "Always".

 

Jacob scored high on the ADHD evaluation. In fact, his doctor said you only needed six of the questions to score high, and we had Jacob rated high on twelve of them. So we walked out the door with a prescription in hand, and another diagnosis to add to our growing alphabet soup. We have yet to fill the prescription, but my husband and I both know it is probably the best thing for Jacob. It's just scary and overwhelming right now. A lot to process and new information to learn. But we will get through it.

Walk a Mile In my Shoes before Judging

Usually I am ok with Jacob's diagnosis. I don't let it get me down. There's no pity party. It is what it is, and I try to be as honest and upfront with everyone I meet. Since the day Jacob was officially diagnosed, that is the approach my husband and I chose to take. Tell the world! Educate one person at a time! Gain acceptance and understanding for our son!

But for the past few days I have been in a slight funk about it. That is ever since Jacob's latest appointment with Dr. Two.

We hadn't seen Dr. Two for a few months. Her schedule had been already filled in, so instead of the normal 3-4 week span, it was closer to 8 weeks before we saw her.

The appointment was scheduled for the middle of the day, right over lunch hour. We had no one to watch the baby sister, so our only option was to bring her with us. I knew from the get go that this would be interesting.

Jacob usually gets a little goofy around his baby sister. He enjoys making her laugh and the two of them feed off each other. I love that they both are so fond of one another, but there are times when they both need to learn to stop goofing and act appropriately. Jacob can never tell the difference. This is a constant struggle for us, and it was no different that day in Dr. Two's office.

Right from the beginning, Jacob was in prime form. He was making silly noises to get a laugh from the baby sister. And he wasn't paying attention to Dr. Two. No matter what any of us tried, he simply could not ignore her and keep his focus.

So that was where we started. Dr. Two said it was good that the baby sister was there with us. It gave her insight to what really happens at home. We discussed Jacob and the baby sister horse-playing and not stopping when asked, and Jacob's inability to ignore her. We talked about how when we are disciplining her, Jacob steps in and gives his two cents because he doesn't quite understand those authoritative roles. She recommended they not play much together and to keep them separate, and suggested using playtime as a reward for Jacob. She said Jacob doesn't really "play" with her anyway. I completely disagreed with that as I feel they need to bond as much as possible. If anything, he is learning to play from her. He has done more pretend play in the last year than he ever has! Dr. Two talked with Jacob about ignoring her and being a good role model.

And then somehow it was as if the tables turned.

Dr. Two noticed Jacob fidgeting with his shoes and she turned and asked us why Jacob was not wearing the Converse high tops she had recommended. When my husband said we looked at them, but then I decided we didn't need them, Dr. Two looked to me and asked why.

I felt really put on the spot. I tried to explain, but it just seemed like I was making excuses. And maybe I was. But the real reason, I'm sorry Dr. Two, but there are bigger fish here that we need to fry!

See, the last time we had seen her, we were discussing Jacob being unable to put his own socks on. It was a battle every morning and it took forever to get them "just so". While discussing that, she noticed that Jacob would kick his shoe off and then put it back on. He does this all the time, and I assume at school as well. Over and over he'll kick his shoe off. Mainly when he is bored or anxious. My only concern with the shoes is that it breaks down the backs of the shoes faster and we end up having to buy shoes sooner than later. Her solution was to buy Jacob high top shoes that were double knotted and he would be unable to flip them on and off.

We did look at them. In fact, we had them in the cart. At the time, Jacob was doing roller skating in gym class and all I pictured was him being the only student in the class unable to get his shoes off or on without assistance. I didn't want my son to be embarrassed. I didn't want someone at his new school to tease him. I'm sure there are enough oddities recognized by his peers, I didn't want to add to it.

So sure. I guess, you could say I was enabling him. Protecting him from some future hurt that may or may not happen. I was just trying to make my son not stand out any more than he already does.

But that day in her office, when Dr. Two looked at me, putting me on the spot as if questioning my parenting, I stammered. I didn't know what to say or how to defend myself. And as I stammered, she went on about how I needed to be consistent. How I needed to praise Jacob and not give him mixed messages. That I can't be too lenient one minute and too strict the next. It was as if the flood gates were opened and I was fair game. I could tell she was angry about the converse shoes.

I was biting my tongue.

What I really wanted to say was "Really? Have YOU ever lived with a child with Aspergers? Do YOU know the daily struggles? Do you have ANY idea how truly exhausting it is? How there is never a chance for you to have your own thoughts when your child is around because you are constantly directing them. How having a minute to have a conversation with your spouse just doesn't happen! And don't tell me that I need to be consistent. I AM consistent! Aspergers IS consistent!Don't tell me I need to praise my son when I notice every little thing he does from opening a juice box straw on his own, to doing two rings of the monkey bars on his own, to shampooing his hair by himself, to not interrupting when I am on the phone. I notice EVERYTHING! And I tell him all the time how great he is doing. I'm NOT too lenient with my son. But like any mom, I hate to see my kid struggle. I encourage him to try new things! I want nothing more than for him to gain independence. Trust me, I could use the break! But I also can't spend every second of every minute directing my son, telling him what he is doing wrong or right, praising, rewarding, etc, etc, etc. I also have to and WANT to have a relationship with my son! So until you have spent a day in my shoes, I could give a damn about your converse hightops!"

Of course I didn't say any of that.

As I tried to defend myself, I said something about that I am consistent. That I do praise Jacob. And just that it is exhausting and frustrating at times. I said it quietly holding back tears as if I was being scolded like a child.

It was near the end of our session. It was then that she recommended getting Jacob evaluated for ADHD. We have talked about it before with her and with Dr. One (Jacob's psychologist). Dr. Two always says she believes that Jacob does have it. Dr. One thinks no.

Dr. Two handed us each evaluation forms wanting both my husband and I to fill them out separately. To which she added, "I'm sure we will see very different results." I was insulted. I knew what she was insinuating. I'm guessing she thinks I have my head stuck in the sand about Jacob. She couldn't be further from the truth. I want nothing more than to help my son. I've read every book out there, spent countless hours looking online for the right diagnosis and therapy, talked to others online to gain more insight.

And so we left, with forms in hand and a set for Jacob's teachers. On Monday we meet with Dr. One to go over the results. We'll find out if there is an additional diagnosis of ADHD giving him the AAA diagnosis that typically goes hand in hand. Autism Spectrum Disorder, Anxiety, and ADHD.

It's not that I am scared of adding another diagnosis. It just seems to be bringing back a lot of those familiar feelings prior to Jacob's Aspergers diagnosis. Hopelessness. Worry. Sadness. Frustration. So that's where I am. In a slight funk the past few days. I am NOT in denial. And my head is NOT stuck in the sand.

The Morning Reminder List

It started with just a comment from Jacob's teacher back in September. While picking him up, I asked how his day had gone, and she mentioned that he had been playing a lot of baseball with his pencil during class when he should have been doing his work. She asked if I could talk with Jacob about it, and I promised I would.

So for the next week, I hit it hard. On our way to school each morning, we discussed the rule of no baseball playing at school, and when and where it would be appropriate. There were promises of treats and rewards, and Jacob did great. Within a week it seemed he had it down and baseball playing was done at school.

But I continued with my morning reminder every day, right as we were pulling into the school parking lot.

And then I picked him up from school again.

"Well, we kind of had a problem with Jacob climbing the bathroom stalls today," his teacher told me.

I nodded as she told me the details about what had happened earlier, and knew I would be adding that to my baseball pencil reminder each morning. Who did my son think he was, Spider Man?

I wasn't shocked by the climbing of the stalls. It had happened the year before at his old school, and I should have known to have talked with Jacob about it before he began his new school. The thing with Jacob is, he can't transfer one thing to the next. Just because it had been a rule at his old school to not climb the bathroom stalls, he wouldn't put it together that his new school would have the same rule. No one had told him, so it was fair game.

So as we pulled in the next day, I began our little talk while driving on the street before the parking lot, making sure we had plenty of time to cover both the pencil baseball and the bathroom stall climbing.

Gradually in the last two months, more and more rules have been added to our morning reminder list.

Let's see....

No hitting friends, no spitting, no falling out of your chair...

The list was slowly getting longer week by week.

And then I got the phone call from Jacob's principal. It's never a good thing when the principal calls. Apparently Jacob had been "tooting" on some of his friends or just "tooting" in general to get a laugh. Yes, my son's developmental age is a little behind. Passing gas is hysterical to him right now. So that was an interesting conversation with the principal. Jacob got to spend the better part of the day in the principal's office doing his school work. Thankfully she is an incredible woman and very tuned in to Jacob and wanting to help him at all costs. She knew that a day of sitting and just doing work would be an impossible task for Jacob, so she would set a timer for 15 minute increments and if he did his work he could spend a few minutes with her looking at a book or talking. At one point she had him go an entire 30 minutes solid of doing work, and if he could do it they would sing a song together. And Jacob did it! I still laugh when I think of Jacob and his principal in her office singing "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green.

And so the list was getting longer, and our morning conversation was now starting as we turned into the subdivision of the school.

The next week added another. No showing private parts. EVER!

Yes, my son thought it would be funny to shake his naked bottom at a boy in the bathroom. Really Jacob! What were you thinking? (Again, why had I not gone over that this was a rule at his new school as well?)

When I asked him about it, he told me he was mad at the other student because they were laughing at him for something he had done. So we went over what he could have done instead and that showing your privates will only get you in trouble EVERY time! There was nothing funny about it.

Again, we added it to the morning list.

For awhile, the morning list stayed the same with no new additions. That is until last week.

"How was Jacob's day?" I asked his teacher.

"Great! He had a great day! But we did have to have a talk about him singing songs with the word sexy in them, and at lunch not pulling the outsides off his corndogs and calling them weiners."

UGH!!!!

So again, we added them to the list and had a lengthy discussion. The funny thing is, Jacob really has no idea what he is saying. He doesn't even say the word correctly. He says "EX-SEXY" instead of sexy. For the past month he has been walking around the house singing, "Heyyyyyyy EX-SEXY lady...". Oh yes, we are doing it "Gangdum Style" at our house.

And if it's not that song, he's singing, "I'm EX-SEXY and I know it".

So Jacob came up with alternative lyrics. He is now singing "I'm happy and I know it" and "Heyyyyyyy Silly Lady...". Both much better choices for a seven year old and school appropriate.

I probably should have squashed it earlier, but I figured it would be short lived like every other pop song, and since Jacob didn't know the meaning of the word, I figured it was just best to not draw attention to it. Now he is quick to point out any time anyone says the word "sexy" although he still doesn't know the definition.

As for the corndogs...he heard a friend of ours refer to hotdogs as "weiners" and thought it was funny. Again, Jacob just has no filter as to what and where things are appropriate. But even funnier is he thought it was in reference to weiner dogs!

And so my list for Jacob keeps growing and growing. We now start our discussion as we round the corner from our house heading towards school. We just finished the first quarter of the school year with three more quarters to go. Pretty soon we will be circling the block a few times in the morning.

I'm thinking by May we will be leaving an hour early and taking a drive on the highway to get the entire list discussed.

"Mommy, What can I do for you?"

Yesterday I was sick. I mean, awful stomach issues sick. Actually I think it was a bout of food poisoning that I got from my favorite restaurant. A much needed mommy night out alone with a friend, lots of chips and salsa, two margaritas, and a few hours later I felt like I was dying. Needless to say it was a long night and I am not in a hurry to return to my used to be favorite eating establishment.

So yesterday morning, my husband lovingly took the day off from work knowing that I wasn't up to par. He let me sleep in, closed the door, and just let me spend the majority of the day in bed. A rarity for me, which just confirmed my suspicions that I am missing nothing from daytime television.

I wasn't there to send Jacob off to school. Nor was I there to pick him up. In fact, I didn't even see him until much later last night, close to 7:00 pm. My husband after picking him up from school took him and the baby girl to one of Jacob's favorite places for the afternoon, the farm. (Well, as much of a farm as you can have in a metropolitan area!) The day wasn't over with the farm, and they ended up going out for dinner, leaving me to a quiet house and no responsibilities.

I figured Jacob was wondering about me.

So I wasn't surprised when I heard the house door opening and the familiar sound of what I knew were Jacob's footsteps. He walked into my darkened room as if on a mission. I could tell he was in a hurry, but not with the normal wild abandonment, instead with careful control over his body as if not to disrupt anything. Immediately he walked to my bedside.

"Mommy, are you ok?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes, Jacob. I'm ok," I answered.

"Oh mommy, I feel so bad for you," Jacob said. "What can I do for you?"

Jacob's eyes said it all. He looked at me with such deep empathy, as if saying, "I've been there. I know how bad you must feel".  It was as if the roles had been reversed with him wanting to care for me.

It was such a quick moment, but I can honestly say it was one of the times I felt the most connected to my son in his seven years of life. With those few words I knew how very much he wanted to take my pain away. With the look in his eyes, I knew how very much he loved and cared for me. It wasn't an automated learned response, it was genuine concern and love. It was empathy.

How I wanted to keep that memory forever. How I wanted to say "See! Look at my son! Right here, right now!" to all those people who say those with Aspergers can't possess empathy.

But who is it that lacks empathy?

Is it truly those on the spectrum that lack in empathy?

Or is it the rest of the world who can't understand?

When Jacob is overwhelmed with the world around him, is it empathy when you dismiss his feelings because it is not overwhelming to you?  Or when Jacob is anxious about a new situation, is it empathy to brush his concern to the side and tell him to "Get over it"? Or if Jacob invades your personal space, is it empathy to recoil and think to yourself, "I wish this kid would back away."?

Better yet, when I am out with my son and he is having a moment, is it empathy when you stare and look at us disapprovingly? Or what about when he acts out aggressively, is it empathy when you chalk it up to bad parenting, rather than seeing it for what it actually is? Or when after a bad day I need to vent, is it empathy when you downplay the struggles associated with having a child with Aspergers? Or is it empathy to share and gossip with others discussing my son as if he is the weather, rather than the sweet boy he is?

So tell me, how can we as society say those with Aspergers lack in empathy, when we are not empathetic to them?

Jacob is the most accepting, non-judgmental child you will ever meet. It's not that he doesn't notice other's differences. He has Aspergers. Remember? He doesn't miss a detail! No he sees it all. The difference? He just doesn't care. Jacob wants to and will be friends with anyone who accepts him.

So maybe the lesson needs to come from him as the teacher. I'm sure Jacob has a social story or two he could share on the subject.

September 26th

Today is a significant day in our lives. 
Today is National Pancake Day!
Mmmm...I do appreciate pancakes and all the warm yumminess that comes with the gooey syrup, but that really isn't what makes today special. Although I don't have dinner planned yet, and pancakes are easy to prepare and well received by both my picky eaters, so breakfast for dinner may be on the menu for tonight.

Today is Street Dancing Day!
Hmm...not sure what the new neighbors would think of this. I guess it would give them a true glimpse of our craziness in our home. But when you have a child on the spectrum, isn't everyday "Street Dancing Day"? Or maybe that's just our house, because more often than not Jacob can be found outside dancing a jig.

Well, here it is the moment you have all been waiting for...

Drum roll please...

Today is Our One Year Anniversary of Jacob's Aspergers Diagnosis!

It's time to celebrate!

Right?

When browsing through other Autism blogs, I read of many people who dread this day. The day their life changed. The day their dreams for their child were shattered and altered forever. A day filled with pain, heartache, and longing for a different reality.

I definitely get that. Trust me, I've had those days. Many. And I could stay in that place of self pity if I so chose. Each day could being heartache if I only fixated on what my son is incapable of doing, or how he measures up to his peers, or if I focused on the challenges our family faces every day.

But I try not to do that.

Jacob was a gift. A very special gift from God.

^" Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights..." James 1:17 

When Jacob was a baby that verse was on a picture frame in his bedroom. Many a night as I rocked a very hard to console baby, I would read that over and over finding strength in those words. He was perfect. He IS perfect. He is exactly as God intended him to be.

That's the approach I have taken way before there ever was a diagnosis of Aspergers. Sure we knew something was "different" with Jacob. Unique or different don't even begin to describe my son. "Special" doesn't do him justice either. And so I have always thought of him as a "gift".

And with gifts come celebrations!

So today I am celebrating all that my son has achieved in the past year. He moved to a new house with no problems. Every morning he walks into his new school with a kiss, a wave, and a smile on his face, instead of clinging to my leg and hitting me in the back like last year. He is no longer scared of fireworks, balls rolling down hills, dogs, thunderstorms, cars going too fast, and I'm sure there are more things I could add here. He's learned to roller skate and ride a scooter. He's stepped up to a baseball mound on more than one occasion striking out the batter with no thought of the crowd cheering around him.

Last night when I returned home, Jacob met me at the door. He couldn't wait to show me that he had learned to swing on the playset in our backyard all on his own. So at 8:00 with his jammies on and the moon shining bright, I watched my son in the backyard pumping his long lean legs as fast as he could in hopes of reaching the top of the monkey bars. If I could have bottled that moment forever, I would have. The pure joy on his face. Pride. Pleasure. Innocence. Carefree. Happiness. Independence.

That smile on his face is what I celebrate today. How far he has come from those days of shrinking back in fear of just seeing a swing in the distance. From the days of standing at our window crying with true fear as the school kids were swinging away on the playground. Did I ever think we would get here? Here today, where my son willingly and with excitement can't wait to swing on his own? A small moment that to most parents would hold little a memory, but to me is a huge milestone worthy of celebration.

So I celebrate hope. I celebrate those small milestones that are insignificant to many. I celebrate all the successes and also the failures, as they have gotten us to this point as well. I celebrate the connection I have with Jacob. I celebrate my beautiful boy.

And so tonight if you happen to drive by our house and see us dancing away in the street, just know that we are celebrating our "gift", Jacob. And be sure to stop for a stack of pancakes.

"Mommy, I don't care! I just want them to be my friends!"

Last night was a rough one at our house. I knew it was coming the minute I picked Jacob up from school.

"Mommy, Guess who is coming over after school?" Jacob asked.

"Hmm...I'm not sure. I didn't know anyone was coming over," I replied trying not to encourage the whole thing as I knew where it was going.

Jacob went on to tell me that one of the neighbor boys was coming over after school. He said he had asked him at recess, and the neighbor boy said he would be over. So of course Jacob was anxious to get home to wait for his friend.

The second we pulled in the driveway Jacob was wondering why his friend wasn't at our house yet. I've tried explaining to Jacob that sometimes people will say "yes" to something just because they don't want to hurt someones feelings. But he doesn't get that. He always takes people's word for exactly what they say.

I had a feeling the neighbor boy had done just that and had no intention of coming over. I'm guessing he was just tired of Jacob's relentless asking and just gave in and said, "yes".

I convinced Jacob to wait a few minutes and then he could go check on his friend. Sure enough, Jacob came home saying that his friend was not home and his sister had said to check back in an hour. So the next hour was quiet, but as soon as the hour was up, Jacob was sprinting out the door.

This time the neighbor boy was already outside playing with the other neighbor boy. Jacob ran right up to join them. As I stood on our porch watching, I could tell by the other boys' body language they were not welcoming Jacob to play. But body language is lost to Jacob and he continued to push forward. There was no playing by the boys. Instead I could tell they were deep in conversation about something. I'm guessing they were trying to dismiss Jacob with little luck.

I sat down to watch how this would all play out, and it wasn't long before I heard the boy who had promised to come over say to Jacob, "Wow! Did you just hear that? That was my mom saying it was time to come in and go to bed!"

*sigh*

It was 5:45.

But Jacob still didn't pick up that these boys were trying to ditch him. My husband who was also outside at this time walked by and helped get a game of kickball started. By this time there were 4 boys including Jacob. I am thankful that Jacob loves playing sports to at least help bridge that gap a little with his peers.

I settled in on the porch, relaxing slightly knowing that if they began to play something they wouldn't be as quick to get rid of Jacob. But as I listened I heard a lot of "Jacob, no!" or "Jacob stop!" Jacob knows the rules of kickball from playing everyday at recess, but wasn't getting all the cul-de-sac rules that I'm sure have been in place for years.

As I observed a little closer, I realized that the teams were 3 on 1 with Jacob being on his own team. I quickly clued my husband in, who again went over to help set things straight.

The boys returned to playing, and I went into the garage to continue with the never ending unpacking. I could hear the boys loud screaming as I worked. But before long, it was completely silent. I stepped out to the sidewalk unable to find any of the boys. I knew immediately that Jacob had gone into one of their houses. Right now he is obsessed with going into the neighbor's houses. The other day while at a garage sale he tried to open someones door and walk right in.

So I sent my husband on the mission to find Jacob. Sure enough he found him in one of their houses. The other boy was holding two baseball bats high above Jacob's reach as Jacob jumped up to get them.

I heard them before I saw them. Jacob who was sobbing loudly in between screams, which in turn made the baby girl cry as well. I'm sure it brought everyone to their windows to see what the commotion was in the street.

Welcome to the neighborhood!

As my husband wrangled Jacob and the baby girl inside, I knew my drill and began locking doors, securing the perimeter, knowing Jacob likes to bolt at a moment's notice.

Once inside I found Jacob beyond upset, and my husband was barely holding it together himself while both kids bawled around him.

I began asking Jacob to take deep breaths and did so myself. We had learned about the benefits of this at our last support group meeting. It wasn't long before the entire family was sitting on the couch just breathing together. Surprisingly it did help some, and as Jacob calmed down I began to tell him why he was brought home.

I told him how he was not in trouble at all, and that we brought him home because the neighbor boys were not playing nice tonight.

"But Mommy, I don't care!," he yelled back. "I just want them to be my friends!"

It breaks my heart that my son wants friends so badly he is willing to put up with them being mean just so he isn't alone. He knew they were being mean. Where I thought it was lost on him, he knew. Yet, he didn't care because he wanted so badly to be included.

I've said this before. I do not believe that kids with Aspergers are loners. They very much desire human contact and friendships. It's after getting beaten down so many times they decide it is easier to be alone. And it's my job to make sure that doesn't happen to Jacob.

The Headphone Wearing Ghost

There's been a lot of ghost talk at our house lately. I'm sure it stems from the plethora of Halloween decorations littering the stores for the last month. Or it could be the "Franklin's Halloween" video the baby girl picked from the library the other day, only to be terrified of it. She quickly learned she did not like ghosts! But Jacob on the other hand has taken a new interest.

The other night while laying in bed, Jacob announced he wanted to make a haunted house at our house. My husband jumping at the chance to discuss something other than baseball or animals, and laid in bed with Jacob for close to an hour filling him in on the haunted houses he created as a child. Jacob couldn't get enough. Finally after 10:00, the haunted house talk ended, and thankfully after all the ghost talk Jacob fell fast asleep.

I figured it was a one time event, but sure enough the next morning, Jacob was raring to go with all kinds of ideas on making a haunted house.

"...and Mommy, you could be a ghost, too. You would make a great ghost!" he told me in between bites of oatmeal at breakfast.

"I scared of ghosts," the baby girl said unbeknownst to me that she was even listening.

"It will be soooo cool," Jacob went on, "We'll invite everyone to our haunted house!"

"I scared of ghosts," again the baby girl chimed in.

"Jacob, just eat your breakfast," I said. "We have plenty of time to figure it all out."

In a way I agree, it would be cool to plan something fun and get Jacob involved in something different than the norm for him. But deep down, I know that there is no way Jacob could handle a haunted house. He really has no concept of what a haunted house actually entails. Sure it would be his own creation, so it would only be as scary as he made it. But what is "scary" to Jacob is very different than what is scary to other kids his age.

Take what happened at our church nursery just two nights before. I was working a night shift and had both Jacob and the baby girl with me. There were other kids Jacob's age there, and they were all playing hide and go seek outside. I was sitting there watching the smaller kids play, when all of a sudden I heard that familiar wailing sound.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" I heard from under the slide.

Instantly I knew it was Jacob. It is the exaggerated sound he makes when slightly hurt but wanting attention. Ignoring it is not an option, as he will just get louder and draw even more unwanted looks his way. At home, it is easy to ignore. But here, I didn't want his peers to see him have a moment, so I stepped to the slide to investigate.

"Ahhhhhhhh!"

"Jacob, what's wrong?" I asked.

"He scared me!" Jacob replied.

Turns out that one of the kids jumped out and yelled "Boo!" in Jacob's face. It caught Jacob by surprise, and he screamed.

And here he was just a few days later thinking he was all brave to have a haunted house. Yeah, right!

I thought I would just let it ride and see where it went. Sure enough right after school, Jacob had more haunted house and ghost talk. My husband's idea was to maybe find a video of a haunted house someone had created and share that with Jacob to give him a better idea of what he would be in for.

So as my husband sat on the couch searching for just the right youtube video of a haunted house, Jacob anxiously sat at the end waiting to view. Just as my husband thought he had found a winner, Jacob bursts out, "Turn it off! It's too loud!" as he covered his ears.

"Jacob," my husband said, "I told you that haunted houses are loud. Remember?" as he switched off the video.

"I have an idea. I'll just wear my headphones!" Jacob announced.

"hmmmm...I'm not sure I have ever seen a ghost wearing headphones before," my husband replied.

This made me chuckle. I could so picture Jacob wearing his big red noise-cancelling headphones atop his head that was covered by a white sheet. Not sure how scary that will be for the new neighbor kids.

Later that night, we were all outside with the kids playing. I noticed Jacob was missing, and I opened the front door to our house. "Jacob, are you in here?" I yelled.

"Welcome to my haunted house!" he said as he popped out from behind the door.

All the lights were turned off and the blinds closed. It was somewhat dark, but as the day gave way to night outside, there was still enough light filtering in to show the toys scattered across the living room floor and the dinner dishes still stacked on the kitchen counter.

As he stepped outside with plans of rounding up the neighbor kids to take a tour through the "haunted house", I somehow convinced him that we should save it for closer to Halloween. He's having enough trouble fitting in with the new neighbor kids, I don't need them laughing at a haunted house they feel is babyish.

It's times like these that I realize how very immature Jacob is compared to his peers. In his mind, entering our dark house is terrifying. Just the other day one of our new neighbor boys made reference to hurrying home to watch "Nightmare on Elm Street" for the first time with his dad. We are no where near that, nor do I want to be as I don't like that thing myself. But as Jacob's peers mature, it becomes more and more evident how developmentally and behaviorally he is behind.

In fact, last night while at our Aspergers support group, they gave us the statistic that children on the spectrum are typically at a developmental age of 2/3 of their actual age. So with Jacob being 7, his developmental and behavioral age is closer to 4 1/2 years old! That explains a lot! And I would say that is right on. But that doesn't make it easier, especially when academically he is beyond his actual age, but his maturity level is close to 3 years younger.

As we were walking in to the support group last night, Jacob needed to use the restroom. He pushed open the door, and instantly I heard the familiar "Ahhhhhhh" sound. The lights were off and it was completely black in the restroom, and Jacob was scared.

I'm thrilled that Jacob is branching out and wanting to try something new that is a little scary, but I'm thinking the haunted house may have to wait a year or two. Although a headphone wearing ghost could be quite comical! But for now I'll tuck Jacob's headphones away in his drawer, and hope that the ghost talk subsides on it's own.