The Morning Reminder List

It started with just a comment from Jacob's teacher back in September. While picking him up, I asked how his day had gone, and she mentioned that he had been playing a lot of baseball with his pencil during class when he should have been doing his work. She asked if I could talk with Jacob about it, and I promised I would.

So for the next week, I hit it hard. On our way to school each morning, we discussed the rule of no baseball playing at school, and when and where it would be appropriate. There were promises of treats and rewards, and Jacob did great. Within a week it seemed he had it down and baseball playing was done at school.

But I continued with my morning reminder every day, right as we were pulling into the school parking lot.

And then I picked him up from school again.

"Well, we kind of had a problem with Jacob climbing the bathroom stalls today," his teacher told me.

I nodded as she told me the details about what had happened earlier, and knew I would be adding that to my baseball pencil reminder each morning. Who did my son think he was, Spider Man?

I wasn't shocked by the climbing of the stalls. It had happened the year before at his old school, and I should have known to have talked with Jacob about it before he began his new school. The thing with Jacob is, he can't transfer one thing to the next. Just because it had been a rule at his old school to not climb the bathroom stalls, he wouldn't put it together that his new school would have the same rule. No one had told him, so it was fair game.

So as we pulled in the next day, I began our little talk while driving on the street before the parking lot, making sure we had plenty of time to cover both the pencil baseball and the bathroom stall climbing.

Gradually in the last two months, more and more rules have been added to our morning reminder list.

Let's see....

No hitting friends, no spitting, no falling out of your chair...

The list was slowly getting longer week by week.

And then I got the phone call from Jacob's principal. It's never a good thing when the principal calls. Apparently Jacob had been "tooting" on some of his friends or just "tooting" in general to get a laugh. Yes, my son's developmental age is a little behind. Passing gas is hysterical to him right now. So that was an interesting conversation with the principal. Jacob got to spend the better part of the day in the principal's office doing his school work. Thankfully she is an incredible woman and very tuned in to Jacob and wanting to help him at all costs. She knew that a day of sitting and just doing work would be an impossible task for Jacob, so she would set a timer for 15 minute increments and if he did his work he could spend a few minutes with her looking at a book or talking. At one point she had him go an entire 30 minutes solid of doing work, and if he could do it they would sing a song together. And Jacob did it! I still laugh when I think of Jacob and his principal in her office singing "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green.

And so the list was getting longer, and our morning conversation was now starting as we turned into the subdivision of the school.

The next week added another. No showing private parts. EVER!

Yes, my son thought it would be funny to shake his naked bottom at a boy in the bathroom. Really Jacob! What were you thinking? (Again, why had I not gone over that this was a rule at his new school as well?)

When I asked him about it, he told me he was mad at the other student because they were laughing at him for something he had done. So we went over what he could have done instead and that showing your privates will only get you in trouble EVERY time! There was nothing funny about it.

Again, we added it to the morning list.

For awhile, the morning list stayed the same with no new additions. That is until last week.

"How was Jacob's day?" I asked his teacher.

"Great! He had a great day! But we did have to have a talk about him singing songs with the word sexy in them, and at lunch not pulling the outsides off his corndogs and calling them weiners."

UGH!!!!

So again, we added them to the list and had a lengthy discussion. The funny thing is, Jacob really has no idea what he is saying. He doesn't even say the word correctly. He says "EX-SEXY" instead of sexy. For the past month he has been walking around the house singing, "Heyyyyyyy EX-SEXY lady...". Oh yes, we are doing it "Gangdum Style" at our house.

And if it's not that song, he's singing, "I'm EX-SEXY and I know it".

So Jacob came up with alternative lyrics. He is now singing "I'm happy and I know it" and "Heyyyyyyy Silly Lady...". Both much better choices for a seven year old and school appropriate.

I probably should have squashed it earlier, but I figured it would be short lived like every other pop song, and since Jacob didn't know the meaning of the word, I figured it was just best to not draw attention to it. Now he is quick to point out any time anyone says the word "sexy" although he still doesn't know the definition.

As for the corndogs...he heard a friend of ours refer to hotdogs as "weiners" and thought it was funny. Again, Jacob just has no filter as to what and where things are appropriate. But even funnier is he thought it was in reference to weiner dogs!

And so my list for Jacob keeps growing and growing. We now start our discussion as we round the corner from our house heading towards school. We just finished the first quarter of the school year with three more quarters to go. Pretty soon we will be circling the block a few times in the morning.

I'm thinking by May we will be leaving an hour early and taking a drive on the highway to get the entire list discussed.

Zip it!

Last week while at a kid's clothing consignment sale, I found a baseball jersey of Jacob's favorite team with one of his favorite players on the back in his size. I quickly snatched it up paying no attention to the price. I knew he would love it and was thrilled that I would be bringing him home something he would be excited about. So when I got home, I told Jacob I had a surprise for him. Excited, he closed his eyes and said, "Ohhhhh, I wonder what it can be!" That's when I knew I should have just washed it and hung it in his  closet. Any type of build up like this usually leads to some kind of disappointment. He opened his eyes and I showed him what I had found. "I already have one," he replied. I could tell he was wavering between disappointment and anger. "But Jacob you don't have one. You have a sweatshirt with his name, but this is a jersey," I said explaining the difference. "It doesn't matter," he told me. "I already have one with his name, and you should have known that!"

I should have known it. But I didn't. I never know for sure how Jacob will react to things. I thought he would love it, but instead I had a disappointed boy right before bedtime. Great. My husband stepped in at this point and told Jacob he was being rude and that he needed to apologize. He went on to explain to Jacob about the importance of accepting a gift graciously, all things we have talked about in detail many times. Jacob did apologize. But the tone was already set. I admit I was disappointed as well. Mainly just because I thought I had found something that would make my son's night, but instead had upset him.

You see, it wasn't Jacob being rude. He was just being honest. He had no idea that saying to someone that you already own something when presented with a gift is not polite. Every parent struggles to teach kids how to be polite, but for kids with Aspergers it is a daily struggle. To the outsider it appears that Jacob is just being rude or blunt, but I know that he is just stating facts. Jacob says what he is thinking with no social filter to decipher if it is impolite. Sometimes it is refreshing, sometimes it is hurtful, and sometimes it is embarrassing. It is a hard thing to teach someone as to when their comments may be welcomed or when they could be received negatively. How do you teach someone that brutal honesty is not a welcomed social trait and is instead a deficit?

Even though I know this about my son, it doesn't make some of his remarks any less hurtful. I vividly remember the day he said to his aunt while in my presence, "I wish you were my mommy." At the time Jacob was only four and undiagnosed. I was eight months big and pregnant, sick with bronchitis, and every bit hormonal. My husband had been in the hospital for an extensive stay while having his spleen removed. (a whole different story that my husband LOVES to share!) It was probably one of our more challenging times in our lives. I was struggling to hold it together and my brother's family had graciously came down to help out. Upon their leaving, Jacob said those words to his aunt. It stung. I know he didn't mean it. Obviously an aunt coming to visit gets to spend a lot of undivided attention to a little boy, and especially during a very difficult time when mommy was dog tired and spending countless hours on the phone.

There have been many times like that, and not only to me or my husband. He is an equal opportunity guy saying just as many "rude" things to friends, family, and strangers. At age two he would yell "Stop looking at me!" to anyone smiling at him. How do you explain that one to the Target cashier as you are trying to quickly pay as he continues to yell it over and over?

I worry about the effect it will have on friendships as he grows. Right now his friends are pretty forgiving, or things he says goes unnoticed. A classic example is every time his grandparents are visiting and Jacob sees one of his neighbor friends outside, he will open our front door and yell out to them, "I can't play! My grandparents are here!" even if these kids aren't inquiring as to if he can come out. Or if one of our neighbor friends happens to come over while we have company, Jacob will simply tell them to leave because he can't play. No greeting. No casual, "Hey it's not a good time." Just nothing short of letting the door kick them you know where. Not exactly a positive trait, I know.

If Jacob sees someone breaking the rules, he is quick to point it out. It doesn't matter if he knows that person or not, and especially if it is another kid. The other morning while walking to school he told his friend to stop riding his scooter on the side of the road. The funny thing is many times the kids will listen. I've tried explaining to Jacob that people do not like to be around someone who is constantly correcting them or telling them what they are doing wrong.

But there is some good to it. It is often said that people with Aspergers are incapable of lying. Some would argue that point and say that lying and Aspergers have nothing to do with each other. Others would say that if they do lie, it is because they are seeing the situation differently, and therefore it is not a true lie, but wishful thinking on their part as to how they would like the event to have taken place. Still others would say that Aspies may be capable of lying, but are reluctant to do so and typically have a general inclination toward honesty.

For the most part Jacob is not a liar. And if he does, he is certainly not good at it! He tattles a lot on other kids, which is not the best trait, but I know that he is generally speaking the truth. He just doesn't have it in him to make something up about someone. If and when he lies, it is usually about himself. Like if we ask him if he washed his hands after using the bathroom he will tell us yes, but when I ask for the mommy hand sniff test, he quickly says he forgot and runs into the bathroom.

I remember when he was little and I was baking cookies. I had told him he could have two. He ate his two but kept insisting on more. I kept my word. Two. Surprisingly that was it, and no fight, and Jacob went on to play. I continued my baking, but it didn't take long for Jacob to return. "Mommy?" "Yes, Jacob." "I ate two more cookies," he told me. Perplexed as I had not seen him eat any I asked when. "Just now. I took them and ran in your bedroom closet and ate them." It made me laugh. The vision of him standing in my closet stuffing his mouth with sugar cookies cracked me up. He easily could have gotten away with it as I had no idea, but he had to tell me. That's my Jacob.

I do remember one morning when Jacob lied and it took me a while to catch on. Every morning our neighbor boy comes over and walks to school with us. Typically the last few moments before we walk out the door are Jacob and him disagreeing on which TV show they should watch. Normally getting Jacob to come up to brush his teeth during this time is nearly impossible as he doesn't want to risk giving up the remote. But on this particular morning, he came up the first time I asked and kindly handed the remote over to his friend saying, "Here you go.Turn it to whatever you want." "Wow," I remember thinking. "My son is growing up. What a kind thing to do." It had totally caught me off guard and our neighbor boy as well. Jacob went in to brush his teeth, and once he returned he said to his friend, "How's that working out for you?" To which our neighbor boy said, "It's not working!" I shuffled both boys quickly out the door and we began our walk to school. It wasn't until after I had left the boys at school that I realized Jacob had given his friend the old remote with no batteries in it that we kept for his baby sister to play with. What a stinker!

So I am grateful that I do not have a lying problem to contend with. My son typically tells the truth whether people like it or not. Sometimes it does sting, sometimes it makes us laugh. More than anything I do hope he learns some discernment. As a child it can be easily brushed aside as the innocence and honesty that goes with adolescence. I hope in time he learns that not every thought that crosses his mind needs to be said. Not every wrong he sees has to be corrected. And if he does feel he has to speak his mind constantly, it can be done tactfully.

"Whoever guards his mouth and his tongue keeps his soul from troubles." Proverbs 21:23

"Even the foolish man, when he keeps quiet, is taken to be wise: when his lips are shut he is credited with good sense." Proverbs 17:28

The other morning Jacob came out of his room after dressing for the day and told me, "Mommy, I didn't want to wear the clothes you laid out." "That's fine, honey," I replied while finishing the breakfast dishes. I heard him bound down the stairs to the living room and I turned to see his favorite player's number on his new jersey. The jersey I had so lovingly found.

The "Rules"

Almost every car ride starts the same way at our house. As we are pulling out of the driveway, I always ask, "Now Jacob what are the rules for...?" He's got them down pat. Target? The rules are stay by your mom and dad, and no running. Church? The rules are no running, stand when we stand, and be quiet. A restaurant? The rules are listen to your mom and dad, and no laying on the floor. Yes, you read that right. Our son likes to lay on the floor at restaurants. Gross, I know. We have went over it and over it, and he clearly knows the rules since he can tell them to me, yet every time with out fail as soon as he has finished eating, he slowly starts his descent from the booth to the floor below our table. Talk about stares! When you have this rather tall 6 year old laying on the floor of a restaurant, it does draw some attention. When he was little he would simply lay in the booth, but that no longer provides his long legs room to spread out. We've finally figured out that it happens when his tummy is full and he wants to get comfy. He's such a fast eater that usually we are not even finished with our salads when Jacob starts trying to head to the floor. He's gotten a little better. At least now he doesn't finish each of his meals with "I'm going to throw up!"and one of us rushing to find the restaurant's restroom. That was the trend for a while. It's when we realized the servers were bringing him countless glasses of milk, that we put the kibosh to that. Only water or Sprite for our kid now when eating out!

Most kids with Aspergers like rules, and for the most part Jacob does like them. It gives him some boundaries. And he is sure quick to point out when someone else is breaking the rules! Sure Jacob likes his structure and routine, but when it comes to rules he is all about logic. Once he understand the "why" behind the rule, he is more likely to follow it. There is a lot of explaining at our house. Not that it always makes an impact. He still climbs on the outside banister of our stairs, even though I have explained how unsafe I feel it is. I guess his own reasoning wins out on that one. But when I posted a sign above my bed that said, "No jumping on bed!" after his sister took a tumble, all jumping ceased.

One of my favorite responses from Jacob was when we were getting ready to go to our neighbor's Super Bowl party last year. I said, "Now Jacob, what are the rules for P & T's house?" I was thinking he would respond with something like "play nice" or "no getting upset when it is time to leave." How shocked was I when he said, "No putting boogers on the walls." What!! You do that? Oh the hygiene habits of a then 5 year old!

So he likes his rules, but in his analytical mind only if they make sense to him. Take for instance a few weeks back, we were dropping our son off in our church nursery while my husband and I were to attend a meeting. I work in there, so it was my coworkers watching Jacob. I had talked about the "rules" before we dropped Jacob off, and told him the one very important rule in the nursery is no running. Too many babies, and too many kids, and too many chances for kids to get trampled. Plus one running kid gets everyone fired up. I know that from six years of experience working there. As we were picking him and his sister up after our meeting, I noticed two plastic yellow Little Tyke shopping carts sitting outside the door to the nursery. I knew that meant someone had been running with the carts, and I knew it was Jacob. I walked in the door and asked my coworkers if Jacob had been running with the carts, and sure enough he had. He had made a new friend, and was having a blast! I was told that yes Jacob had been running, and she had to set him in time out. I was mortified and we headed for home. I knew punishing him again was not an option. He had already served his time in the nursery. But when I asked him about the time out later, he held up two fingers and told me "twice". Two times in time out! I was more than mortified!

If you have a child with Aspergers, you already know that consequences and punishments do not work for them. There is no connection for them between the offense and the punishment. They are two complete separate incidents that they view unconnected. Not only that, but a simple 5 minute punishment turns into hours and hours of agony. Trust me. Been there, done that many times. Is it really worth it? We've learned that Jacob responds much better to rewards and positive reinforcement. Sticker charts can do wonders for my child, especially if they happen to have an elephant. We certainly don't let him get away with everything, and there are definitely punishments. I think both my husband and I have lightened up on them somewhat. There were times before where I just couldn't comprehend why he didn't understand what he had done wrong. It drove me crazy! But when your child lacks empathy and can not grasp the concept of cause and effect, it makes sense to me now why Jacob would respond the way he did to punishments. I remember one particular time Jacob had done something naughty and I had had enough. In my not proudest mommy moment, I told him I was taking away his animals, the Wii, and the computer. Thinking I had made a HUGE impact, Jacob looked at me and said, "What about the TV? Did I lose that, too?" hmmm....so much for that punishment being effective.

Punishments and discipline will probably always be a huge obstacle for my husband and me concerning Jacob. Maybe someday we will get it all figured out, and until then we will keep continuing going over "The Rules" each time before we venture out.

Oh...and I'm happy to report my neighbor's walls were booger free.