"I Just Don't Want to Be in this World"

"I just don't want to be in this world."

Hard words to hear your six year old say to you. How do you even reply to that? A six year old should never have those thoughts. As I tucked Jacob in bed again, I went through every reason why he should love this world. Everything that is good about this world. And everyone who loves him in this world.

I then went on with tears rolling down my face, telling my son everything that was good about HIM, and all the wonderful qualities he possesses. He really is an incredible kid. I know everyone thinks that of their own children, but Jacob really is special. Aside from his anxiety, he is a true joy. He's funny, creative, and so smart it amazes me. When his anxiety is at bay, that's when he really shines.

It's a helpless feeling when each night your child is terrified by things that you can't even comprehend yourself. Last night he had two things bothering him. He couldn't stop thinking about the sounds that a computer game at school had made earlier in the day. And balls rolling down our hill. Balls rolling down the hill are an every night worry. "Why couldn't the street just be made of grass?" he wondered his eyes so heavy with sleep wanting nothing more than his brain to stop so they could rest. "That would be an easy solution."

But was that what was really bothering him?

As I laid in bed with him trying to calm him listening to him weep, he told me about recess that day. "I wasn't very good today, Mommy."

"What does that mean, Jacob?" I asked. Had he yelled at a classmate? Had he gotten upset at school? There wasn't a note sent home. There was no phone call.

"I lost in soccer."

"Jacob, honey, that's no big deal," I said relieved that's all it was, but not understanding the real problem.

"No, Mommy. I was on the team all by myself and I lost 12 to 1."

"But why were you on a team all by yourself? You can't play on a team alone," I inquired.

"There were three kids on the other team, and just me on my team. No one wanted to be on my team. And it was just too hard, I couldn't do it."

Deep down is THIS what was really bothering my son tonight and not the computer noises or rolling balls? All the times that I watch my son at recess play soccer and think he is being included, is he really being pushed aside? We talked about what he could do next time. How he could handle it. And how the teams needed to be even. Inside I was fuming. How dare these other kids exclude my son. It's not that he stinks at soccer. He is actually quite athletic. And where were the teachers? Oh, yes, the mama bear was coming out in me.

Thankfully after some snuggling time, Jacob was able to settle down and sleep. Me, that was a different story. I couldn't stop thinking about what Jacob had said.

Six year old's should be thinking about Spongebob. They should be counting the days to summer vacation. They should be carefree and worry free. They shouldn't be so consumed with fear and worry that they wish not to be in this world. It terrifies me that at age six, Jacob already thinks being somewhere else is better than dealing with his pain. If he's thinking this at six, what will he be thinking at eleven, sixteen, thirty? I wish this world was easier for my son. I wish it was a world that readily accepted him.  It was hard for me to shake. Sleep did not come easy, and I lent my dreams to a better world for my son.

Each morning when Jacob wakes, it's as if the previous night hadn't occurred. When he woke this morning, there was no mention of balls rolling down streets, strange computer noises, or any of his fears from the last week. Only talk of baseball and predictions for the outcome of tonight's game. And then something was said about recess. He talked again about no one wanting to play with him, and when he asks they all say no. He said instead of playing soccer today, he was going to play baseball. Knowing that "playing baseball" at school meant Jacob would be playing his own pretend game in his mind, shutting himself off to the rest of the world, I tried to persuade him to give soccer another try. I went through all kinds of different scenarios as to what he could do so he wasn't alone on a team. And then he said, "I'll take care of it, Mommy. I got this one."

Maybe he could sense my worry. My desire for him to fit in and have friends. Maybe he thought the last thing I need is my mom calling the school forcing someone to be on my team. And so I let it go with no more mention of recess or friends.

Later as I was driving home this morning from running errands with the baby girl, I noticed it was recess time. I opted to take the longer way home to hopefully get a glimpse of Jacob. There he was on the soccer field running his heart out. I paused just long enough to get a good look without appearing suspicious. (A van parked outside a school playground never looks like a good thing). And as I paused, I saw Jacob smiling and giving his buddy Hank a high five for scoring a goal.

Yes, he was part of a team. He had handled it perfectly.

I Will Not Allow My Son's Light to be Stolen: Bullying

Last week my husband and I were working our church's Parents Night Out program. It was towards the end of the night, and the kids were getting their jammies on. I walked down to the ladies restroom with two six year old girls in tow. I have never heard so much giggling as these little girls got into their pajamas. Finally one of the girls came out of the stale in a beautiful long flowing nightgown. I said to her, "I love your long nightgown. It is so pretty." To which she proudly said, "It is a size eight!" The other girl hearing that quickly exited her stale and said, "Well, I wear anywhere from a size seven to a ten!" Not to be outdone, the first girl said, "I really meant a size eighteen. Mine is an eighteen." Obviously as I looked at this teeny girl there was no way she was a size eighteen. But what I found so interesting was their desire to be the bigger size. As little girls they have heard their whole life to "be a big girl" or "eat your dinner so you grow up big and strong". But where do we as society and parents do them wrong? At what age does that end and they start wanting to be this perfectly glamorous skinny girl? At what point can they no longer be comfortable with themselves and celebrate their differences, but instead desire to be something unattainable?

And so over the course of the last week it has still played on my mind. When is it our children's innocence is lost and they come to believe their differences are not beautiful?

When Jacob was four and in preschool, I remember one day he asked me why his friend AJ at school had brown skin. I told him that his skin was brown because God made him that way and we are all different. He was curious about their differences, but what I thought interesting it had taken him close to a year to notice or comment.

Last year while in kindergarten, Jacob came home a few weeks after school had started, and was talking really fast in a gibberish manner. When I asked him about it, he said, "I am talking in Spanish, mommy, just like Alex." "Honey, that's not Spanish," I told him. "But I want to talk in Spanish, too. " he said jealous of his little friend. "Why does Alex talk in Spanish and not me? " Again I talked about how God has made us all special, and again this answer satisfied him.

Another time Jacob asked me about our young neighbor boy who our neighbor's had recently adopted from China. He was born without a hand, and Jacob wanted to know why his hand was missing. Funny again how it took many months for him to even notice. "He is really a good golfer even with one hand!" Jacob exclaimed. Again, I talked about God making each of us unique and special, and again he was satisfied with my answer. Later that day I saw him in the backyard awkwardly swinging his club with one hand while the other was tucked in his sleeve.

For my son it is so easy to brush aside all the differences of others. Will it be as easy for others to brush his differences aside? Jacob has many friends right now. In fact the other day while walking home from school, we walked a different route which took us in front of the school. All the car riders were waiting there for the parents to arrive. As we walked in front of his class, he was greeted with loud cries of "Jacob, Jacob!" and "Hi Jacob!" with many scrambling to get up to give him a high five. A beautiful sight to see for a mom knowing that socialization will never be easy for my son.

So at age six, his peers are pretty accepting and tolerant of Jacob. It's not that they haven't noticed his differences. While helping out in his classroom for parties, many have mentioned Jacob's love for elephants and his detest of loud noises. I know from his teacher they have commented on his humming in class being distracting. Yet, they more than tolerate him, they include him. Why does this have to end? And why as a society do we allow it?

When you read about Aspergers and their social difficulties, you learn that bullying is severe for kids with Aspergers. Some figures say 90% are bullied on a daily basis. Why is this allowed to continue? I even read how some bullies will try to trigger meltdowns in children with Aspergers.

Children aren't born mean spirited. They aren't brought into this world with hate towards their neighbor. They aren't born bullies. It is learned, and there is no one else to blame but us, all of us. As a society we have turned our head to bullying for too long. We have brushed it aside as "kids will be kids" or "let's just let them work it out on their own."

Whether you like Hilary Clinton or not, she hit the nail on the head, it truly does take a village. To turn this around it takes every one of us as adults and parents to have a no tolerance for bullying. It takes each of us to celebrate the differences in each other. It means gossiping and judging must end. We must accept each other regardless of race, creed, sex, age, disabilities, size, or whatever it is that makes us different. We need to realize that there is no "normal". Each of us are unique. We need to help our children see beyond differences and realize we are all special.

Last Friday night while my husband and I were at the movies, we saw the trailer for the new movie, "Bully". Wow! My heart broke for the young boy on the screen. As they showed pictures of him as a child, tears started rolling down my cheeks. Here was this bright-eyed beautiful little boy full of life. He was happy. You could tell by the smile on his face, he was happy. And then you saw him older, broken, the light no longer in his eyes. This is my biggest fear for my son. I worry so much about someone stealing his light. Bullying needs to stop. AND IT STARTS WITH ALL OF US!

I will not allow my son's light to be stolen!

How I Taught My Son to Be Mean

When Jacob was four, I bought a series of workbooks on virtues. At the time he was very interested in learning, so I thought why not go beyond ABCs and 123s. It was about that time that I realized other people's emotions were a hard concept for him. His first lesson was on kindness. He loved the animal based approach and we finished the entire book in one afternoon. What I hadn't banked on was that not only did the book show how to be kind, it also showed examples of being unkind. The idea was to have the child determine which was nice and which was not. "I like playing cars with you." Nice! "Your shoes are ugly!" Not so nice. "You are a good baseball player." Nice! You get the idea. And Jacob took his chunky orange crayon and circled the nice examples.

At age four Jacob really had no idea how to be mean intentionally. He still doesn't for the most part. Many times he will say hurtful things without even realizing it is not nice. Some of that is Aspergers, some is just the innocence of children. Lately when he doesn't get his way he tells me, "You are the meanest mommy ever!" At first it stung a little. Now the initial bite has worn off and he realizes it doesn't get much of a reaction any more. All it took was one time of me saying "I can show you mean mommy if you want," when he was upset because I wouldn't let him have a third fruit snack. "I just won't buy any fruit snacks anymore!" Nipped that in the bud!

So my goal has always been to teach Jacob kindness toward people and the world around him. A simple approach of, if you are nice, you will have friends type of mentality. With his social skills lacking, making and keeping friends would be a challenge, and the world is not always kind to those that are different. The best way to fight any impending bullying in the future was to build a strong foundation for my son. If his heart was full of kindness and love, it would make it much harder for the hurts, sadness, and anger of the world to break him down.

Pick up any Aspergers book and it is almost guaranteed you will find a section on bullying. It's no big shocker that kids with Aspergers get picked on. They're unique and quirky. They have obsessive interests that more than likely don't appeal to their peers. They have a need to control situations and others. They are not always aware of the teasing or bullying. Unfortunately all this makes them an easy target. In one report I read it said that 90% of kids with Aspergers are bullied on a daily basis. Ninety percent! Ninety percent! That is hard to stomach looking at my sweet innocent little boy. Is this really what he has to look forward to?

Jacob gives me little information about his day at school. I ask him trying not to push too hard, and he always responds with "I don't want to talk about it. End of discussion." When Jacob leaves school, he wants to leave it all behind and move on with his day and have fun. I know he has friends. I see him at recess playing soccer or basketball. And he does talk about some kids. He seems to cling to one at a time. Right now it is all about Amy. He gets giggly just talking about her. But of course I still worry. Would Jacob even be aware if someone was making fun of him? Would he notice if a classmate was teasing him? If it is happening, and even if Jacob doesn't notice, his classmates see what is going on, and then they could start thinking the same way. It's been 30 some years since I was in elementary school and I can still tell you the kids that were picked on and bullied. I knew it was wrong, but did I stand up for them. Sadly, no.

The silver lining in all this is that bullying is front and center these days. Everyone is talking about it. From parents and teachers to celebrities. Bullying is no longer accepted as a norm. It does have to stop. And I do feel that our country is moving in the right direction. But you still hear horror stories of bullying and the terrible consequences that can be associated when someone is pushed too far.

My mother always told me to "Kill them with Kindness." Honestly it is probably some of the best advice I ever received. If someone knows they are doing something or saying something and it bothers you, they will continue to do it. They've got your goat. Just like Jacob telling me I was the meanest mommy.   Once he realized it wasn't working, he stopped. I'm not saying this is the answer to all bullying. Some kids are just mean spirited and it doesn't matter, they will just be mean! And I also don't want Jacob to think he has to put up with someone picking on him. But if he learns that if his initial reaction is to simply not react, maybe it will not give the bully the power they are seeking. Hopefully by giving Jacob kindness and confidence the bullies of this world will stay far from my son.

So you are wondering how I taught my son to be mean when my goal is to teach him kindness. The day after the kindness workbook the two of us were snuggling on the sofa watching a show before his afternoon nap. The show ended and I announced it was nap time. Naturally Jacob being four protested. I turned off the TV to which Jacob said, "Your shoes are ugly!" I looked at my bare feet and just laughed.